It’s true, I didn’t wait for my future wife. Even as a Christian and someone who wants to do ministry, I’m still not waiting for her. Even though I grew up in the church where, at a young age, I was taught that I needed to wait for my wife who was somewhere out there. I was taught how blessed my future marriage and sex life would be if I waited and didn’t ruin it ahead of time. I was promised that it was worth the wait, and that she was worth the wait.
For quite a while, I genuinely did try to wait for her. Ingrained inside of me was the thought of how much it would hurt her or hurt us if I failed, or went too far with a girl before her. I didn’t want to hurt her (even though I didn’t know her). I wanted a blessed marriage and yes, a blessed sex life didn’t sound too bad either. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to compare herself to girls before me. Those were my motivations to wait and I was determined to not do anything sexual with anyone before our wedding night. I put my hope in the promises of how amazing my future marriage would be. But then, one day as I sat in a Wal-Mart parking lot, I realized I couldn’t wait for her anymore. (Please continue reading, otherwise this just got real weird.)
I was on the phone with my girlfriend telling her I wished she would just tell me how much it meant to her that I had still waited for her. Desperately I was searching for some sort of validation from her that she was proud of me and that it would still be worth it. But then I realized that I had completely missed the point. For years and years my focus had been on waiting for her and doing it for us, but then, like a slap in the face, God told me the point wasn’t to do it for her. The point was to do it for Him.
I was more focused on how premarital sex would affect my relationship with my future spouse, than how it would affect my relationship with God. Premarital sex would definitely come in-between my future spouse and me, but more importantly, sin would come between my relationship with Jesus. Does it really glorify God when my motivation for waiting is less about Him and more about my future spouse?
The bible is filled with verses that talk about abstaining from sexual immorality, “let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4), and the Song of Solomon which is pretty much a book about sex. But I think the church often puts too much emphasis and motivation on doing it for your future spouse rather than doing it because God asks you to in His Word.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are a lot of positive side-effects to waiting. I can’t speak from experience yet, but I do believe my future marriage will be blessed and my future sex life as well. I’ve mentioned in a previous post how studies have shown that those who wait until their wedding night have a much lower divorce rate and a reported better sex life. Certainly God does know what is best for us.
But still this shouldn’t be our main motivation for waiting. That shouldn’t be what we put our hope in, and it shouldn’t be the church’s go-to when encouraging purity. When we become more focused on the byproduct we’ll receive rather than God Himself, we become selfish. We are more worried about what we can get from God from obeying Him rather than doing it because we love Him.
I should be more concerned about my relationship with Christ rather than my relationship with my future wife. I shouldn’t have needed to ask my girlfriend for validation, instead I should have sought out God for His validation and looked at the Scriptures to reiterate that it really is worth the wait. What about you? If you’re waiting, what’s the real motivation? Are you waiting because of your relationship with your future spouse, or are you waiting for your relationship with God?
Photo Cred: © Caitlin McKenzie Photography
Check out my girlfriend’s blog here: http://taylorgrayblog.com