I Didn’t Wait for My Future Spouse, and You Shouldn’t Either

Missouri Breaks-2

It’s true, I didn’t wait for my future wife. Even as a Christian and someone who wants to do ministry, I’m still not waiting for her. Even though I grew up in the church where, at a young age, I was taught that I needed to wait for my wife who was somewhere out there. I was taught how blessed my future marriage and sex life would be if I waited and didn’t ruin it ahead of time. I was promised that it was worth the wait, and that she was worth the wait.

For quite a while, I genuinely did try to wait for her. Ingrained inside of me was the thought of how much it would hurt her or hurt us if I failed, or went too far with a girl before her. I didn’t want to hurt her (even though I didn’t know her). I wanted a blessed marriage and yes, a blessed sex life didn’t sound too bad either. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to compare herself to girls before me. Those were my motivations to wait and I was determined to not do anything sexual with anyone before our wedding night. I put my hope in the promises of how amazing my future marriage would be. But then, one day as I sat in a Wal-Mart parking lot, I realized I couldn’t wait for her anymore. (Please continue reading, otherwise this just got real weird.)

I was on the phone with my girlfriend telling her I wished she would just tell me how much it meant to her that I had still waited for her. Desperately I was searching for some sort of validation from her that she was proud of me and that it would still be worth it. But then I realized that I had completely missed the point. For years and years my focus had been on waiting for her and doing it for us, but then, like a slap in the face, God told me the point wasn’t to do it for her. The point was to do it for Him.

I was more focused on how premarital sex would affect my relationship with my future spouse, than how it would affect my relationship with God. Premarital sex would definitely come in-between my future spouse and me, but more importantly, sin would come between my relationship with Jesus. Does it really glorify God when my motivation for waiting is less about Him and more about my future spouse?

The bible is filled with verses that talk about abstaining from sexual immorality, “let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4), and the Song of Solomon which is pretty much a book about sex. But I think the church often puts too much emphasis and motivation on doing it for your future spouse rather than doing it because God asks you to in His Word.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are a lot of positive side-effects to waiting. I can’t speak from experience yet, but I do believe my future marriage will be blessed and my future sex life as well. I’ve mentioned in a previous post how studies have shown that those who wait until their wedding night have a much lower divorce rate and a reported better sex life. Certainly God does know what is best for us.

But still this shouldn’t be our main motivation for waiting. That shouldn’t be what we put our hope in, and it shouldn’t be the church’s go-to when encouraging purity. When we become more focused on the byproduct we’ll receive rather than God Himself, we become selfish. We are more worried about what we can get from God from obeying Him rather than doing it because we love Him.

I should be more concerned about my relationship with Christ rather than my relationship with my future wife. I shouldn’t have needed to ask my girlfriend for validation, instead I should have sought out God for His validation and looked at the Scriptures to reiterate that it really is worth the wait. What about you? If you’re waiting, what’s the real motivation? Are you waiting because of your relationship with your future spouse, or are you waiting for your relationship with God?

-Daniel Wilde

Photo Cred: © Caitlin McKenzie Photography

Check out my girlfriend’s blog here: http://taylorgrayblog.com

321 thoughts on “I Didn’t Wait for My Future Spouse, and You Shouldn’t Either

  1. Neville

    @Ellen, I was confused about something else you said. You seemed to imply that I thought that pornography was not bad, or that one had to work hard to get access to it. I actually didn’t break pornography out as different than any other sin. In fact, I did not mention pornography, so I was confused by your reply. Could you clarify what you were responding to in that first part?

    Also, this may not matter much depending on where you are going with the analysis of pornography vs. fornication vs. just-before-marriage sex, but “pornography”, “fornication”, “immorality”, and “sexual immorality” have all been used fairly interchangeably by translators of the Brit Chadashah: see http://biblehub.com/greek/4202.htm

    Lastly, I would point out that historically in Hebrew law and culture, proof was required of a woman’s virginity at the time of her wedding consumation. Although we understand that sometimes a hymen can stretch and thus even a virgin might not bleed at her first sexual intercourse, it is a reasonable test and I find no exception in scripture that says if she had given her virginity to her betrothed then it was actually acceptable.

    Reply
  2. Ellen

    @Neville
    Most people (christian or not) were raised with pornography at the tip of their fingers, it’s easier to access than to get a chocolate bar at the store. And it doesn’t seem as bad as having real sex, but it’s much worst to my opinion, because it’s not reality; just like most movies. The Bible is clear about fornication but not as clear about premarital sex with someone you plan to marry and that you are ready to take responsibility in case of an “accidental pregnancy” or any other matter. Obeying God does not necessarily means obeying church’s interpretation of the Bible.

    Reply
    1. Neville

      @Ellen, you said “The Bible is clear about fornication but not as clear about premarital sex with someone you plan to marry and that you are ready to take responsibility in case of an “accidental pregnancy” or any other matter.”

      How are you defining fornication, such that it includes sex with someone you do not plan to marry but does not include sex with someone you do plan to marry? More to the point, where do you see the Bible make such a distinction?

      Reply
  3. Ellen

    Let’s say you get married at 32 years old. If you follow church’s teaching it means that from 0 to 32 years old you should not discover any of your sexuality because it’s a sin. Is it really possible? And if you did succeed (because I know some do) it means that you probably don’t have a strong libido or that you haven’t got out of your Christian circle or whatever else… I personally don’t think that it’s healthy for any person; same as having a wild sex life. Extreme solutions are not healthy.

    I don’t think teaching abstinence is a good thing; it is not realistic because we are sexual human beings. On the other hand I don’t think teaching free sexuality is a good thing either. It’s much more complex than that because God made us all different.

    MY OWN ANSWER: If you ask me what creates most damages between having sex with a person you plan to marry or watching porn because you can’t have sex before marriage, well I think the second option is more damaging, even if in a perfect world we would wait. And in a case you don’t find a mate, what do you do with your sexual urges? Try to avoid porn as much as you can but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find any other solutions.

    Remember this is my own questionings, thoughts and opinions. I don’t think there is ONE answer to all that. I’m still in search of a solution because the Bible isn’t always clear on what is good and what is not. All the doubts and questionings are healthy. We are not robots; we are complex beings and all different. Always put God’s plan before church’s plan for your life because you’re a unique human being.

    Reply
    1. Neville

      The problem is that those 2 options are both really bad options. Far better to marry early (32??) and not create those years of temptation. There is a reason our bodies go through puberty, and that is to prepare for marriage and reproduction. I do understand that food additives and other chemicals have caused children to hit puberty earlier than in the past, and our “me first” society has allowed and even taught people to put off marriage so that they can first satisfy all their own desires before they change their focus to a spouse. But none of that makes God’s instructions irrelevant, just as difficulties obeying don’t mean we should not obey.

      Reply
      1. Ellen

        I personally think that getting married at a young age, especially nowadays, is a far bigger risk. A marriage between 2 person that love each other is always a step of faith, yes, but there’s a difference between a kid who just got out of high school and an adult who knows who he/she is and what he/she can offer to another person. A youngster can easily marry the wrong person. Back in the days, if you were born on a farm you would work as a farmer and marry young so you could have kids to help you survive. Your life was already drawn before you were born. Today we have way more opportunities and priorities have changed. We have the luxury the choose the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our life (in an “average” family in North America at least). You need at least to have things in common to be able to connect, and to have things in common, you need to know what those things are (know yourself).

        Nowadays, in a lot of jobs you need to have education or experience to get hired. Why shouldn’t we wait to get a little more maturity to get married? Breaking up a marriage is a lot worst than breaking up a relationship; just because of sex.

        Reply
        1. Neville

          I think my previous reply agreed that marrying young today is not as good a choice as marrying young was in the past. But the maturity thing is largely the fault of the parents, and is easily turned around in a single generation if parents choose to parent instead of abdicate and let the children self-determine everything important in their lives. Without pointed input from the parents, children are ignorant of the information they need to succeed in life, marriage, and parenting. I think we agree on all of that.

          But the fact is that the Father gave us hormonally-driven sexual appetites, AND required us to keep them in check until marriage. He also told us that he HATES divorce, and if we love him then we are not going to do that. Love is not a feeling, all dreamy and steamy, it is a decision to enter a covenant that is not to be broken except by the death of one of the parties. Entering into such an arrangement should be done by those mature enough to fulfill the requirements, but if one enters and then it turns out to be extremely difficult to keep the covenant, the requirement of love (as an act of obedience and sacrifice) is still there.

          If sexual appetites are proving to be overpowering for someone, to the point that it even though they greatly desire to be holy and obedient, having removed himself/herself from every temptation over which they have the power, but they still find that they burn with passion, then that person needs to marry. In reality, many people will say they have reached that point, but they really are not living a holy set-apart life, and are making plenty of provisions for the sins of the flesh.

          The 2-choice picture that you paint is a false one. You are teaching that the choice is between a bad marriage and fornication. That is not the case. The choice is between obeying God or not obeying God.

          Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Just because two people wait before they are married doesn’t mean that their marriage will be this perfect, heaven-on-earth relationship. My church shoved that idea down my throat and I obeyed. I married a man who I met at church and knew for years at youth group, but he turned out to be an awful person who had many sexual and emotional hangups, which caused him to treat me very badly, I will spare the details. We should have realized that 1)We were too young to be married (19 and 21) [and the church endorsed very young people getting married because of this authoritarian insistence on abstinence] 2)He needed psychological help and therapy instead of hoping everything would be OK once he got married. I am now happily married to the love of my life, who is one of the most gentle and godliest men I know who brought me back into the fold of the faith, after I was so disillusioned by my church because of what I felt to be a broken promise from God. I realized that God is full of grace and truth and God has forgiven and redeemed in a way that I was never taught by my church growing up, who taught exactly what you all are espousing. I’m not saying that we should all disobey God’s word but I am saying that life is a lot messier than popculture Christianity wants us to believe and that, more importantly, God is too big to be understood so clearly by us mortals.
    Sivandra makes some great points.

    Reply
  5. Sarah L.

    Great thoughts….us young people need to remember to keep our focus in the right areas. We often are too concerned about what people think of us (whether that be our peers, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc) rather than what God thinks, which should be our only focus.

    Reply
    1. Guy

      Hmmm…. Let’s ignore what other people think about us. Instead, we’ll let this BOOK judge us.

      Yeah, that makes TOTAL sense…. Good thinking!!

      Reply
  6. sivandra

    This is long. Wish I could say it more briefly. But I think it’s really, really important. So read it if you choose.

    There are only two greek words used in the NT that are translated as ‘fornication’ and ‘immorality’ and they are the only two words that are used in the passages that are used for the arguements about sexual immorality. “pornea” and “akatharsia”

    so akatharsia:
    “impurity, a state of moral filthiness, especially in relation to sexual sin”
    Definition: uncleanness; lewdness; impurity, of motive,

    so it means something unclean or filthy sexually, or impurity of motive.

    Notice this word does not define what constitutes a sexually impure act. It is just a label. So all the lists that this is included in, to avoid it, to not do it, ect, are just like saying ‘don’t be rebellious’ and leaving it to the reader to either know, or figure out, what rebelliousness is, either by principle, culture, or context.

    Then pornea. Definition: means prostitution or idolatry, usally both together.

    And that simple meaning is born out clearly in most of the passages it’s used in. That famous passage in 1Corinthians 6:15 which evangelical leaders frequently use to illustrate their view that ‘anybody who has sex with anybody becomes one with them so don’t have sex unless you’re married’…? The whole thing is VERY SPECIFICALLY talking about prostitution. Period. Very, very clearly, very repeatedly. And all the language about your body being a temple totally makes sense when you realize the huge prostitution trade in the ancient Greco Roman world was all religious and happened in temples to false deities. All of it. And sex acts with those prostitutes was literally an act of allegiance to those gods and godesses. And Paul was, obviously discouraging that for so many reasons. It was prostitution, forced upon slaves more often than not, to honor false gods.

    Which is perhaps WHY it uses the very specific word pornea. Perhaps.

    The only meanings for either word in that cultural time and place, according to co-current texts, were adultery, sex with prostitutes, incest, and bestiality.

    And yet Christianity has, in various times and places, added everything from masturbation to oral sex to “sex of any kind for any reason other than procreation” to the meanings of these two, very specific, words.

    When Paul says ‘because of pornea it’s good to get married’ he literally means that’s better than guys hooking up with prostitutes all the time.

    And the whole “the marriage bed should be undefiled” thing? Why do we assume it means ‘by pre-marital sex and/or porn and/or masturbation and/or oral sex” and whatever else, instead of the more common sense reading, which is “don’t cheat on your husband/wife”????

    It’s entirely possible that Scripture is more concerned with God’s people avoid being involved in prostitution, sexual worship of false gods, bestiality, incest, and adultery, all of which involve enormous problematic moral issues such as oppressing another human being, lowering ourselves to the level of an animal, raping without consent, sex with close relatives which DUH, and betraying the trust of another human being.

    It’s entirely possible that there’s a reason God never says anything negative about the patriarch’s perfectly legal relationships with their multiple wives, their concubines, their daughter’s-in-law, or their dead brother’s wives. Because possibly Biblically there is no prohibition against co-consensual sexual relations which do not breech trust between two human souls.

    It’s almost certainly clear that the Bible never condemns masturbation. There isn’t even a hint of anything of the sort anywhere in Scripture, anywhere, ever. And porn? Where are we going to draw THAT line? Do we prohibit any image which wakens sexual desire? That’s impossible. Human form is glorious, and not evil, and looking with appreciation, even sexual appreciation, on a painting of another human cannot be simply written off as sin or we lose a huge component of why we see beauty! And yet it is ingrained in us that these are sin. Why? Based on what? The teachings, apparently, of the Roman Catholic era, in which celibacy was elevated far beyond Biblical teaching, and ‘sexual purity’ was twisted into a meaning God never assigned it, which was that of utter and complete abstinence from any sexual release or sexual activity or sexual feelings of any kind, ever. Or perhaps from the Victorian era, when sex was stigmatized and shamed and turned into some sort of dirty unmentionable thing.

    Not, certainly, from Scripture.

    So let’s stop following a list of man-made rules about sex blindly, and actually read our Bibles. Because maybe masturbation isn’t a problem unless it interferes with your ability to have a healthy and unselfish relationship with another human being, which God definitely DOES care about; maybe sex outside marriage is a problem not because GASP SEX but because it destroys trust between humans, which again, the Bible is FULL OF TALK ABOUT HOW WRONG THAT IS; maybe prostitution isn’t bad because it involves genitals but because it feeds human slavery and often violates consent; maybe porn is dangerous if it tempts us to veiw our fellow humans as less than full human beings made in God’s own image, not because it makes us feel SEXY FEELINGS; maybe Song of Solomon pretty clearly describes the man romancing the literal pants off the girl BEFORE THE WEDDING CEREMONY HELLO (read it again, folks, that whole ‘he woke me under the apple tree isn’t about a nap and it’s not after she moves into the palace) and maybe God doesn’t care. Maybe God cares about honor and respect and esteem for other human beings, and maybe that’s a lot more nuanced and difficult to figure out and requires a lot more energy and effort to be true to than ‘thou shalt not (insert absolutely anything to do with sex here) except with a spouse’.

    Incidentally, that last bit: it’s the reason that one hundred years ago a mere kiss between two betrothed people was forbidden. Because it’s SEXUAL HELLO. So we’ve changed our lines, and we’ve made these arbitrary ‘well this much sexual activity is ok but here’s the line’ which is just pretty damn silly.

    We use our own feelings, the very feelings which we’ve been taught to have from childhood on up, of horror and sorrow over things like our potential or current mate not being a virgin, or looking at porn, or masturbating, as ‘evidence’ that these things harm marriages. But wait. If both partners have been raised to see pre-marital sex, or masturbation, or occasional porn use, as perfectly normal and acceptable, are they even going to feel those terrible feelings? No. Not in my experience. Not unless there is something that violates human trust, or is unhealthy… which is to say, it’s situational, and depends on the kind of activity, how it was conducted, and with what MOTIVES.

    Suddenly, we’re dealing with way deeper issues about our souls than just ‘DO NOT HAVE ANY SEXUAL ANYTHING WITH ANYONE BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE EXCEPT WITH YOUR WIFE” which is impossible to keep anyway unless you go around blindfolded… or get castrated.

    My own horror of things like the possibility of my spouse’s pre-marital sex, masturbation, or porn use, (yes, in that order) was directly tied to the way I had been taught I would feel, and ought to feel. I’d been taught by Purity Culture that if a man had had sexual experiences other than with me (including porn, actual sex with another partner, or masturbation) that he would intrinsically never really be satisfied with ME, would be in high danger of cheating on me, and that I would therefore feel devalued and insecure. I was taught that if a man ever looked at porn while married, it was a clear expression of his being UNSATISFIED WITH HIS WIFE.

    When I found out my spouse was predictably human, I was predictably DEVESTATED. He had been taught that these behaviours were sinful perversions, and predictably felt an enormous level of shame. Something that could have been a very small issue, easily solved with open communication and trust-based comprimise, and could have resulted in understanding each other better, became a terrifying and agonizing problem that almost destroyed our marriage.

    Surprise, surprise.

    And yet pastors and Sunday school teachers and Bible study leaders everywhere use this sort of logic: “When I found out my wife wasn’t a virgin when we married, I was DESTROYED INSIDE. THIS IS WHY PRE-MARITAL SEX IS BAD.”

    Nevermind that a lifetime of brainwashing based on incorrect understanding of the Greek language had conditioned him to feel EXACTLY THAT.

    You can teach a human to be terrified of the ocean from birth, continually telling harrowing tales of the sharks and sea monsters that lurk in it, then throw the young adult in the breakers and point to his panic attack and say, “LOOK HE NEARLY DROWNED IN TWO FEET OF WATER OF COURSE THE OCEAN IS DEADLY!”

    I have yet to meet anyone with a normal, healthy concept of pre-marital sex who was devestated by their spouse’s lack of virginity. I have known many, many couples, neither of whom were virgins at the altar, who had extremely close, loving marriages and great sex lives, free of blame and jealousy and insecurity. I have likewise known oh so many couples who were virgins at the altar and struggled with enormous guilt, enormous shame issues about sex, terrible jealousy and insecurity over such small things as the other person’s past girlfriend that he/she NEVER EVEN KISSED, sexual disfunction, constant suspicion… I lived that marriage. There wasn’t anything better about it. There just wasn’t.

    The redeeming qualities of married sex, as I see it, are human trust and selfless love and open communication. And those seem entirely disconnected with virginity, abstinence from masturbation, or abstinence from porn.

    Fact.

    We are sexual beings. Let’s find ways to deal with that which do not dishonor those made in God’s image, and let’s be really, really concerned about that. And let’s stop holding each other to rules that oppress and shame because of stigma, not because of actual harm or Biblical teaching.

    Reply
    1. Taylor

      This really eased my mind a lot. I’ve pretty much thought the same things that you discussed but had no knowledge of the Greek language to support my views. Is there any way I could chat with you through email about a few questions? You seem well informed and I’m struggling in my faith and feel like some insight would be really beneficial. My email is tdraper@live.unc.edu

      Reply
  7. Cassie

    Very good points… but you forgot one more point of view… yes you should abstain for the sake of God, definitely, and you should abstain for the sake of your spouse; but you also should abstain for the sake of YOU! I’ve seen first hand the damage per-marital intimacy can do, & I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Being used, having trust issues, excessive post relationship depression… one woman I know even said “If I get cheated on again, I’m going to scream.” And those are only the most obvious effects.
    God doesn’t only want us to abstain becasue “I said so.” He whats us to becasue it is honestly the healthiest thing to do. He only wants the best for us, our relationship with others, & our relationship with him.

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  8. Anonymous

    God designed us to be sexual creatures, and I intend to be as sexual as my boyfriend and I desire. And if I’m single and what I really need is someone else, sure I might hook up with someone I’ll never see again, and won’t feel bad. Just fulfilling a need the good Lord gave us all

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  9. Bryan

    Wow! Very provocative title. I loved your approach to this topic. I think it got to the heart of the issue–not waiting for the sake of waiting–but because God has something more. When people promise, “If you wait you will have the best sex,” they are basically setting someone up for disappointment. After all, who can really make that claim? Keep on writing!

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  10. Guy

    I am incredibly dumbfounded. People who live their lives trying to please another being, confuses me so much. Why not live a life doing what you want to do without being worried all the damn time about “HIM” punishing you? This article only brings to light a man who loves an invisible, unreal entity more than he loves his own wife… Sorry but I personally like to believe that if I’m going to marry a woman, I will love her more than anything else, including myself. And I’d like my future wife to do the same. If a woman lives her life trying to please “God” and would do things for “Him” because her relationship with “Him” is more important than our relationship, then sorry, but I’m gonna go look for another woman who loves me unconditionally and lives her life to the fullest by her own rules. It’s sad how many people are obsessed with “Him” and forget about other more important things like other people that we can actually see, hear, smell, touch, hug, kiss, and love!

    Reply
    1. Line

      Hey Guy
      God is not out to punish us.
      And we should not act in fear of God’s punishment.
      Rather it should be the love that drives us.
      And just wait till you do get married and you get kids.
      You will very quickly find out that you love your kids more then your wife 🙂
      They will be able to manipulate you like anything 🙂
      You got something to look forward to.
      And regarding HIM. I hope you get to get a taste of HIM one day.
      Then you will find that He is so GOOD. And not out to punish you, but to love you.

      Reply
      1. Guy

        I don’t need “Him” to love me….. Other real people love me. And most importantly, I love myself. I give myself the strength to go through every day of my life. I give myself the will to push through all my struggles. Unlike the majority of the world’s population, I don’t have a desire to receive answers or abilities from some phony…. I rely on myself for that. I credit myself for all the success AND failures in my life.
        I agree with you about loving my children more. And I respect that you believe there’s something out there that simply wants to love us. But I don’t agree with focusing on your relationship with “Him” more than your own relationship with real people!!! We should wait to have sex with our wife or husband because we truly love them, want to make sure they are the right person, and to show them that we will do anything or wait any amount of time for them. Not because we want to secure a relationship with some imaginary friend….. (Yes, “He” is an imaginary friend).

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    2. Line

      Guy, I could not comment your comment. So will just do it shortly here.

      I myself am blessed with AMAZING friends.
      I got many good friends I have known for years and new comers.

      Now I know you don’t believe that God exist.
      This sentence made me laugh. I think you might just be a Guy but a funny Guy.
      Yes, “He” is an imaginary friend.
      But just try and follow my line of Logic.
      There is something different with God.
      As he knows me better then anyone, and he knows me better then myself.
      He knows when I am putting on a mask, a brave face and he knows the real motive of my actions.
      He knows when I am doing something that looks bad out of a good motive and something that looks good but my motive is wrong.
      No one else knows me that well.
      And they never will, nor do I fully comprehend myself.
      Anyway there is something liberating and fulfilling in the way God shows love.
      He knows every little thing and still he just wants to love us.
      The reason why people want to focus their relationship with Him, is because it improves their relationships with other people.
      Gods love tends to soften up people (not always, and I know Christians easily becomes very judgemental) and make people more able to love other people.

      Reply
      1. Ellen

        In either of your opinions, the important is to not stop questioning ourselves why we do or don’t believe in God. Embracing doubts, embracing discoveries.

        I don’t know if there’s a God but I chose to believe there’s one. After all, I’ve got nothing to lose by believing.

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  11. Anonymous

    God and the bible are nothing but fairytales, no different than the easter bunny or Santa Claus. Stop spending your life worrying about what makes an imaginary person happy and just be a good person and be with the people you love in whichever way you choose.

    Reply
    1. Line

      It is a cute comment you made there. I see you want to try and encourage someone.
      But you don’t know that you know that God doesn’t exist.
      And you are probably writing to some a blogger who knows that he knows that God exists.
      Even when he sometimes doubts God or things happens in life. Same goes for many other Christians.
      They know that they know. This is because they have had a revelation.
      But your comment seems to be made out from a good motive. And I find it really sweet 🙂

      Reply
  12. Chantal

    I’ve waited, I’m still waiting, and there is more time to go! I am doing it for me — for God, not because I want to be pure for my future husband. I want to be pure for God.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    Love to see the stats that say waiting till marriage for sex decrease chances of divorce and improves sex life.. I dont beleive this would be true.
    1 in 2 christian married men i meet is unhappy with his sex life…

    Regards
    i waited, My sex life wasnt blessed, and she left me.

    Reply
  14. Jordan

    I agree with this. I do want to wait, for the Lord. I’ve done so many things I wish I could take back. I want to leave this thing unbroken.

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  15. Anonymous

    Of course the best part of reading these types of blogs is that I get to laugh at the ridiculous comments…but as a former English teacher, it’s also the most horrifying part. Seriously, some of you really should have paid attention in English class because you’re lacking basic reading comprehension skills. Some are misinterpreting the blog post and some are misinterpreting the Bible, but either way, if you had paid better attention in English class, you would not look so utterly ignorant. Now go find your high school English teacher apologize for watching the movie instead of reading the book.

    Reply
  16. anon

    The book of Song of Songs is not a book about sex at all, it is a book about the relationship between Christ and humanity… otherwise good stuff 🙂

    Reply
    1. Neville

      Actually, it is a book about a rich powerful king, who already had 140 wives, trying to woo his next new wife (the Shulamite country girl) away from the man she really loved (the shepherd), and her rejection of the king’s (Solomon) advances..

      Reply
  17. Anonymous

    A great post! I waited until my wedding night and although my husband had been previously involved he never took me for granted or pushed my boundaries and ten years and two children later not only is our marriage strong but our intimate relationship is awesome. I never had feelings of inadequacy or felt the urge for comparison and I too was familiar with his former relationship(s). Instead, I seeked my validation from Christ and avoided temptation when things got too steamy and I am so grateful I made that choice! Your are one percent correct often churches place to much emphasis on the results of premarital sex on the spousal relationship but at the heart it is indeed about each individual’s relationship with Christ that matters- he will work out all the rest.

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  18. Renae

    This is great to see. My boyfriend and I have been waiting, and it’s good to hear that it’s not just about us. It’s for God. We’ve been together 6 years now, and it gets harder everyday to wait. But we know it’s for God. If it wasn’t for Him I know we would have already had sex. It’s a want. Buy because God is in our lives and taking care of us, we have been able to put aside our human wants and wait.

    Reply
  19. Grimbone

    You know who else has lower divorce rates? Atheists. Because atheists marry for love, not a partner-in-indoctrination.

    But besides that, this post is asinine simply because the Bible is asinine. There’s nothing wrong with waiting, but waiting because a contradictory book full of fairy tales tells you to… it’s time to re-prioritize. Or just wallow in you denial, that’s cool too.

    Reply
      1. Grimbone

        K.

        EXO 15:3 The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.
        ROM 15:33 Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen.

        MAT 1:16 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.
        LUK 3:23 And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli.

        JOH 10:30 I and my Father are one.
        JOH 14:28 Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I.

        PRO 4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
        ECC 1:18 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.
        1CO 1:19: “For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.”

        ISA 14:21 Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers; that they do not rise, nor possess the land, nor fill the face of the world with cities.
        DEU 24:16 The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

        PSA 92:12: “The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree.”
        ISA 57:1: “The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart.”

        EXO 24:9,10; AMO 9:1; GEN 26:2; and JOH 14:9
        God CAN be seen:
        “And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my backparts.” (EXO 33:23)
        “And the Lord spake to Moses face to face, as a man speaketh to his friend.” (EXO 33:11)
        “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” (GEN 32:30)
        God CANNOT be seen:
        “No man hath seen God at any time.” (JOH 1:18)
        “And he said, Thou canst not see my face; for there shall no man see me and live.” (EXO 33:20)
        “Whom no man hath seen nor can see.” (1TIM 6:16)

        ==========================

        This is a small list. But it’s a start.

        Reply
    1. Anonymous

      Some of those aren’t contradictions. In fact almost none are. Do you actually know what you’re saying or are you just repeating what you’ve been told blindly with no thought? Seriously though look up what a contradiction is.

      Reply
  20. Becky

    You are right on. I have often been burdened that we give teenagers fleshly motivation for staying pure instead of going back to glorifying God as our main motivation. You are totally correct. The naysayers who are criticizing you have not read the article in its fullest context.

    Reply
  21. Anonymous

    Hey dorka-potomus, you should try sex. I recommend it over masturbating, and there’s literally no difference consequentially… you just seem to think there is.

    Reply
  22. Melissa Still

    Speaking as a avid blogger, the title is meant to catch your eye. The point this gentleman is trying to make is that anything we do, if not done to please God first will be meaningless and will actually make us feel tired and hopeless.
    When he says hes not waiting for his spouse what he means is he’s not waiting because it will please his spouse (although that is a great side-effect) he’s waiting because he knows its going to please God.

    Reply
  23. Anonymous

    The author never says that he decided not to wait until he was married. He says that he’s not waiting for HER. He’s waiting for GOD. Meaning that the reason that he is waiting is not his future wife and all the positive side effects (for lack of better word) of waiting, but rather the REASON he is waiting is to please God. This revelation came when he was waiting for validation from his girlfriend instead of searching for validation from God… He never says that he decided to jump into bed with her.
    I find this to be a great reminder of keeping our focus on pleasing God not ourselves or others

    Reply
  24. blrj0913

    Yes we need to follow God’s commandments. However, sex before marriage is important in other ways as well. Yes we should do it for God. But we need to realize the reasons He asked us not to do it. He did not ask us not to do it because He felt like it. This blog fails to mention the reasons why we need to wait all together. Also, it should very much be for the other person too. It shows respect and honor. There are several aspects of this that need to be brought to light.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      I think that’s why he has this paragraph, “Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are a lot of positive side-effects to waiting. I can’t speak from experience yet, but I do believe my future marriage will be blessed and my future sex life as well. I’ve mentioned in a previous post how studies have shown that those who wait until their wedding night have a much lower divorce rate and a reported better sex life. Certainly God does know what is best for us.But still this shouldn’t be our main motivation for waiting. ” The point of the article wasn’t to talk about all the blessing that come with waiting, but the other does recognize them. The point was that please God should be our main focus.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        So how does becoming an adulterous person give glory to God? Its says in the bible not to if you are out to just find reasons to hope in bed with people before you are married you may need to find out why you believe in God

        Reply
  25. Anonymous2

    “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4 is about adultry, not about waiting till marriage. You cannot pick and choose which parts you use just so it fits your article.

    Reply
    1. JD Kent

      Are you a troll? Are you here with an open mind to hear and consider a viewpoint? Truth is truth whether it has a Bible verse attached or not. The guy made a good point. Deal with it. Not every blog requires your critique.

      Reply
  26. Cynthia

    This makes sense! I hadn’t really thought of virginity from this angle before.
    It really puts things into the right perspective. It’s not about allowing premarital sex, but about giving it all to God and glorifying Him.
    Digging it!

    Reply
  27. Kaitlin

    Wow I could not relate to this post at ALL! I waited till marriage and my husband didn’t. For YEARS I was self conscious, always comparing myself (I knew his exes), and it brought me to tears many times. I eventually grew out of it as our marriage grew but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still think about it and wish he had waited. Our relationship with God is pretty even, but it’s the strain that it took in our early relationship that took the biggest toll. Coming from the point of view of the wife who married a guy no longer a virgin, this entire post seemed like gibberish to me. I didn’t really see the point of it…

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      You miss the point. The impact that not waiting for sex until marriage is still negative. However, the author’s point is that in marriage our motivation to wait should be to please the Lord first and foremost, then in order to have a healthy marriage.

      Reply
    2. JD Kent

      I thought the point was pretty obvious. Are we motivated by love for God – or by the selfishness of personal gain?

      Reply
    3. Anonymous

      I agree. At a quick glance maybe this article sounded like he was on to something, but he just sounded really ignorant to me. You should google an article called “4 lies the church taught me about sex”

      I feel for you btw….

      Reply
    4. Jon

      Kaitlin,You most of all should be in TOTAL agreement with this article. You waited, but your husband didn’t. When two people love the Lord enough to wait till marriage, it is an amazing and completely fulfilling experience. That being said, it can still be wonderful and fulfilling even if one spouse made prior mistakes but has chosen to repent and come back. You chose to marry someone who did not wait. With that decision, you should have also accepted the past for what it is…something to put behind you. Your un-waranted feelings of inadequacy do not mean that the principles taught in this article are false. I really hope you can come to terms and fully forgive your spouse for his past.

      Reply
      1. Line

        Jon I don’t think Caitlin needs advise.
        I am pretty sure she knows all the right reasons as to how to react.
        What is correct “Christian” response.
        But she is being honest and she also wrote that things are better.
        And I love her honesty, vulnerability and insecurity.
        We all know that we should forgive and everyone can say forgive your brother.
        But sometimes we forget how easy it is to tell someone else and how difficult it can be to live by.
        But I like when people are honest and dare say when things are difficult and don’t give the political correct or religious correct answer but dare and be honest, and dare and take their emotions serious.
        And I am sure her ability to take her emotions serious, is something that can bless her marriage.

        Reply
    5. Line

      Thank you Kaitlin for your comment and your honestly.
      I live in a culture where Christians are very out numbered and sex before marriage rather the rule then the exception.
      So I have not considered the damage it might cause your marriage.

      Reply
    6. superbeffie2014

      It’s pretty clear that you didn’t see the point. I’d even venture a guess that you didn’t read the article based on your bizarre response. The POINT is that he is waiting for marriage for Jesus, NOT for his future wife. That while this particular sin might have potential effects on his future spouse as well, the reason to wait should be the effects on his relationship with his savior and not with his future wife.

      Reply
    7. Anonymous

      I understood this article to be not waiting FOR your future SPOUSE BECAUSE OF your future spouse, but waiting because of what CHRIST has called us to do. Our personal relationship with Christ should be our motivation for waiting.

      Reply
  28. Stephanie

    I’m waiting because I believe it is a commandment from God and I have made covenants to keep the commandments including the law of chastity. More motivation comes from seeing how Satan is using and disfiguring sex in society and the massive repurcussions that has on people, espcially young people. I know just how much impact this decision makes in my life and I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows what is best for me, if I can only align my will with his.

    Reply
  29. Anonymous

    Hey. I am a 24 year old male. I have seen many sides of this argument and have spoken to many people about this. I have heard more regrets about waiting then benefits. I am not a virgin. I tried to wait but when i turned 20 my mind was changed when i had brought the subject up to a friend of mine from church. What I took from it was that times have changed since 2014 years ago. We are born into a world of sin and no matter who you are, you have sinned at some point in your life. He was sure that since times have changed that we will be forgiven as long as we do not sleep around. That we dont jump right into it but find a relationship and when it is truly meaningful but not at the stage of marriage that it will be alright.

    Now reading the comments people say they have had problems with how their partner has had sex before and it is a problem. Sure they may have had sex before with someone else but why would that cause a problem. You are not going to compete with those past people. This person loves you and has proven that by waiting patiently with you and has even married you. They are not going to look back at those past people.

    Ultimately though this is your decision to take it how you want. It is your decision and your life but many people do regret waiting and if you decide to wait then i pray you do not become one of those people.

    Reply
  30. Anonymous

    Woah Anonymous who posted on Dec 8th, there is no need to attack our non-Christian brother for voicing his life choice in an unoffensive manner. After all did not Jesus eat with sinners? Do not wrongfully chastise our fellow human brother behind anonymity when you do not have the ability to righteously judge, for this is reserved for Christ and God.

    Reply
  31. JP

    i have no problem with this post for those who believe in God and have what they call a ‘personal relationship with Christ’. That said, I didn’t wait and it didn’t kill me, nor did it destroy my relationship with my spouse which after 11 years is stronger than ever. The huge amount of guilt and shame that is so often heaped upon those who ‘fall’ is shocking. As long as those who ‘waited’ don’t think of themselves as any better than anyone else then I’m fine with this.

    Reply
  32. Frank

    Okay, good message. I agree with everything. But can we PLEASE not use misleading phrasing and titles as click-bait? It cheapens the message.

    Reply
  33. Arie

    I stay pure because of the devastation I know I will feel if I lose my virginity to anyone but my husband. From what I know of intimacy thus far, you don’t have to have sex to feel ashamed of yourself and unworthy of love. The way to ensure that the ultimate gift you have to give as a person is to save it for the person it is meant for.

    On the flip side- I always assumed that because I saved myself I would be blessed with meaningful relationships that would last a long time and would help me grow. What I got? Men, boys really, who treated me like dirt, played games with my heart, and didn’t even remotely deserve anything from me, especially my virginity or my heart. This has lead to so much pain and frustration and has made it close to impossible to want to keep my promise. I sit and wonder if maybe I would have sex, I’d have better relationships, or have what everyone else has.

    Either way, you’re at a loss. As a virgin, it’s awesome that I can know God appreciates me knowing my worth and keeping his gift to me for the one it is meant for. But at the end of the day, he also makes me wait, which he knows hurts my heart every single day. It’s a double-edged sword if I’m honest.

    Reply
    1. thewhiteboardpig

      This is a terribly sad post to read. The ultimate gift you have to give someone is your LOVE, not your body. When you take this view of your body and sex as the ultimate gift, you’ve sold yourself massively short and have reduced yourself to sexual property. So many Christians with your midset have put sex on this unrealistic pedestal, so much so that it has been elevated in importance above love and compassion. In trying to save yourself as some future husband’s pure sexual property (as if we’re in the 1400s and women are commodity items), you’ve already given up your love and compassion to people that didn’t return it. Shouldn’t that be the bigger concern? Shouldn’t that be seen as the true folly? Sex is one of many parts of a healthy relationship, but love is the ultimate gift we all have to give.

      Reply
  34. Pastor C

    I’m a 36 year old man, a pastor, and a virgin. I often wonder if I’ve made the right decision to wait and if God truly cares one way or the other. I’ve always put God first in my life. I’ve only had two girlfriends in my life and I’ve never even been kissed. Being in ministry and coming home to no one has been very hard and lonely. To be completely honest, God’s love alone isn’t enough to keep me happy and emotionally supported. Both of my girlfriends said that I was a perfect partner and that they felt extremely loved and supported by me. Both also said they weren’t ready for such a serious relationship. To be committed to following the Lord and remaining abstinent takes being serious and intentional in relationships. I have several friends who didn’t wait for marriage and they are just as blessed as any other christian couple. It’s getting harder and harder for me to see how God is present in this topic. Every day that goes by I start to wonder more if being sexually intimate may have created a stronger bond in my relationships and maybe I would be married by now. I’m not so sure that God cares whether I am married or not, He just wants me to keep following Him daily. Please reply if you have any words of encouragement.

    Reply
    1. Daniel

      I believe God gave me a bit of a perspective change that has saved me a lot of ‘grief’ and questioning myself. It’s not that you can’t have sex before marriage, it’s more that sex is ‘marriage’ in God’s eyes – or PART of marriage (emotional and spiritual intimacy should be a big part of it too…). The marriage ceremony is celebrating the union of a man and woman and the woman takes on the man’s name (or at least used to) at this time to identify that she has become ‘his’. So it’s more u actually cannot have sex before marriage in God’s eyes, not ’cause of a ‘law’ thing, but as a matter of the true definition of sex and marriage. It reminds me of the current dilemma of people trying to change the definition of marriage so that it’s not only between a man and a woman.

      Reply
  35. anonymous

    Well, it’s funny how you reference Song of Solomon, an entire book about premarital sex lol. Also, take into account Ruth and Boaz. They also had premarital sex. It put her in the lineage of Jesus.
    In the Ancient Near East (think Old Testament), men could have as many wives as they wanted, as they were property, and they were all to be sexually subject to their man. This applied to slaves and concubines as well.
    Concerning the New Testament, I don’t think Jesus was interested in anyone to get married. His eschatological view of himself “coming soon” as well as that being the whole general idea of the NT spurred people to look down upon marriage in general. Why get married if the savior is coming soon? It is pointless. Paul does say that one should get married if they cannot “control their desires” but he says nothing about the fact that Jesus said to “leave everything for my sake.” Jesus did not care about marriage. I guarantee you Paul’s tone while writing the passages on marriage was stark at best. Can I prove this? No, but it seems highly likely based upon how he expresses he feels in the scriptures about it.
    The Bible contradicts itself multiple times on these topics. I would even go so far as to say that there is no straight up “Biblical” view of marriage. There is an Old Testament and a New Testament /view/ on Marriage, but due to the contradictions that are present, how do we pick and choose what to follow? Why do we stress so badly not to have sex before marriage, but not that it is OK for women to be pastors and to even speak in churches? The answer? Culture. Culture dictates all of this, and I for one cannot stand what is going on in most conservative evangelical American Christian circles when it comes to these matters.
    I don’t know… Just a couple of things to think about. I don’t know if the Bible should be used as the end-all rulebook for sex and I think Christians make WAY too big a deal out of the whole topic in general. This is all coming from someone with a Masters in Theology and who is absolutely LOVES Jesus with everything! I just see all these things in front of me and I don’t know what to do because most people in my life would disown me if they knew I was enlightened to these things and adhered to them.

    Reply
  36. Anonymous

    The commandments are not about check lists. They are given to us by a loving Father and Heaven to protect us and th aid us in feeling pure joy. Thank you for sharing. Too often we forget the big picture.

    Reply
  37. Anon

    Your title is misleading. It makes it seem like you gave up on the whole waiting til marriage thing and just went ahead and did it; but your message in the blog seems to indicate that you are continuing to wait but your motivation of it has changed…. You could word it as “I’m not waiting for my future spouse…” and maintain the present tense, but your use of “didn’t” makes it past tense.

    Reply
  38. Christa

    This is so true and so important- the motivation Should be Christ, the end is Christ- the purpose is Christ- in fact if it isn’t- the end will hurt and disappoint you because, marriage is beautiful, lovely and usually enjoyable- but at times it is painful and hard you and your spouse will sin and be selfish and even your sex life will at some point disappoint you and within marriage if you continue to look only to your spouse they will not be enough- marriage is beautiful, but finite- Christ is most beautiful and glorious and infinite- he never runs out and will not disappoint- look to him- your singleness will have purpose and your marriage will be blessed;) and you will know your Infinite and awesome God!

    Reply
  39. Michelle

    This post makes me gag. I believe in a god but I’m tired of listening to an ancient, contradictory book that people pick and choose from when it comes to following the “rules”

    I’ve found in many cases, with myself and friends ,that it didn’t make a difference If they waited, but of course there are some who do it unhappily. I find there to be nothing wrong to safely have sex with whomever you please, whenever. We are sexual creatures and we always have been and it grinds my gears when I hear people preach abstinence to others who don’t follow the bible. It’s turning into a ringing in my ears

    Reply
  40. Anonymous

    My cousin, church going and faithful waited until her wedding night. 25 years she waited and saved herself for her husband who also was a virgin.
    She had problems conceiving but fast forward NINE YEARS into their marriage, a whoopsie happened and she became pregnant with a son. Her husband started acting strangly after the news and within a month of her becoming pregnant he confessed to cheating on her countless times. He even cheated on her the night of their honeymoon on their cruise after he put her to bed. He also admitted that he was never a virgin and wed her because she was “an unobtainable prize” he had to have.
    She is now single for four years now and constantly fighting for the custody of her little one. Her ex husband married and impregnated one of his whores.
    I can’t help but thinking this could have all been avoided if she would have just had sex with him before hand. He would have left her before marriage plans ever came about.
    She saved herself and she was punished. I resent the idea of saving yourself…

    Reply
  41. morgan

    23 here. Did not wait. I waited for nineteen years before I lost my virginity. It was to my first love and I don’t regret it. No, we are no longer together. No, I do not feel that I am “broken” or soiled. Want to know why? I will tell you.
    1.) “Virginity” is nothing but a word and a thin piece of tissue to me. It has nothing to do with your heart or mind.
    2.) Sex and love are not one in the same. The idea of marriage is not as old as time, so honestly, what do you think people were doing up until then?
    3.) God still loves me and he has forgiven me. God is not a bigot. If you ask for his forgiveness (and actually turn away from sin) you are forgiven. Easy. That being said….
    4.) My body is my own. Do you know why virgins believe they have such a great Sex life after marriage? They’ve nothing to compare it to. If I chose not to run into a marriage blind, I don’t think God will hold it against me.
    5.) If a man chooses to “shun” me because I’m not a virgin, he doesn’t really love me, he’s selfish, and he better run to a nunnery fast because those are pretty hard to find today. The virgins that are coming off age picked their partner in church long long ago. The courting process is pretty long from what I’ve seen.

    Also, these comments women are making about how they were virgins and their husbands were not and how it “hurt” them? Grow up and be an adult. Your husbands were one young and very possibly in love before they met you. You act as if he did it just to rub it in his wife’s face. Stop being so selfish and see that he has committed himself to you for eternity. Your bitching about his previous sex life hurts him a lot more than you know and probably makes him feel inadequate compared to your “perfection”.

    Got a problem with non virgins? Don’t date them and don’t marry them. Simple. As. That.

    Reply
  42. Daniel

    Smashing! I read the first two paragraphs and then had to go away and do some things. So while I was working away, I was thinking about where I thought the article was going based off the title and those first paragraphs. I thought, if this guy claims to be a Christian, he’d better have some good scripture references…. … I decided I would still give the author a chance and read the whole article. But I also resolved, that seeking the Lord on this for myself would be the only way I would make any changes! So I was very surprised when I read the rest of the article!

    Reply
  43. Ashay

    I didn’t wait, but I did only have sex with my now husband. I had just gone through some pretty horrible things and I was questioning everything in my life, including the existence/goodness of God. It took probably a year and a half after that for me to realize I missed God and we started our relationship again. I was never entirely able to justify the premarital sex to myself, but I did try. I don’t think that God views us any the worse because of it now, anyway. There were many other things standing in the way of my relationship with Jesus back then than just a little premarital sex.

    Reply
  44. Jessica

    Hi there
    This article made me think. Thank you for questioning the Christian status quo that emphasizes we should wait for our future spouse so that sex before marriage will not affect our relationship with our future spouse rather than putting the emphasis where it should be: pleasing God. We were created by God to please Him, not people. Yes, some of us will marry and some for whatever reason, will not. I am in my 30’s and unmarried- single as the day is long…but surprisingly content. 🙂 I think I do believe that I either have “the gift of singleness” or God’s given me an extra measure of His Grace to enjoy this season of singleness. I have questioned myself the premise that you addressed in the above post. It was refreshing to see a man address this, as many posts out there seem to want to stick with the Christian status quo. I myself would find it thrilling if more Christians out there addressed ” the season of singleness” or heard from those who like me seem to have a special Grace from God to be single and won’t feel like the odd man/woman out for saying so. How we can better serve God wholeheartedly as a complete unmarried individual. If you have any friends like that who are single and or/ have the gift of singleness me and others like me would enjoy hearing from them. Please continue to question the status quo. It helps us all as believers.

    Reply
  45. Anonymous

    I was very strict about saving myself for marriage. I thought my husband was too, but found out after we got married that he had been with other girls. It broke my heart. But I now have a greater understanding of the beautiful gift of the atonement. We all make mistakes but that doesn’t make us worthless. We learn from our mistakes and do better next time. If there are people who haven’t “saved” themselves, they are still worth having.

    Reply
  46. Mary Hinz

    What a great blog post, Daniel. When you are this frank and open your blog up for comments, you risk blowback. As someone who is more than 25 years down the road past your season in life, I can only say, “Stay the course; it’s worth it.” My husband and I waited for God, not for each other. You will never regret putting your focus on pleasing God in your sex life, every season of it. Your viewpoint is not invalid simply because you are not to the marriage season yet.

    Reply
  47. Ashley Murphy

    I’m a twenty seven year old woman and a virgin. About five years ago, I too had to reevaluate my motives in “saving myself “ for marriage. When I was in my teens I was more concerned with not disappointing my parents, but the older I got the more I realized that it was MY choice and my decision. Once I made that realization, it was less of a shame for me to admit that Yes, I’m a virgin, and more a badge of honor for me. Yes! I AM a virgin and proud! Lol. No I know that by honoring God by not partaking in premarital sex, I’m also honoring myself , my future husband, and my parents who raised me right.

    Reply
  48. Lil Debbi

    i admire the Christianity outlook on abstainence, we should do it for God, but I wanted to elaborate my take on the physical and emotional reason why we should wait. Your spouse will not compare you to any other in bed if they haven’t been with anyone else. making you experience grow with that one person. Trying new things will be exciting and challenging all in itself.

    Reply
  49. Christie

    I waited til I got married. Within three months my spouse was having an affair and nine months later our marriage ended in divorce. I never defiled the marriage bed, but certainly dealt with some very emotional wounds after and questioning “should I had waited” it was suppose to be worth the wait. It was suppose to help guarantee my marriage wouldn’t end in divorce, but none of that was true. When looking at doing it for your spouse it may very well not be worth the wait, but when doing it unto God it is all well worth it. After I found out about my husbands affair, he was pushing me to go out and date (make him feel better for what he was doing) I refused because the word of God says to honor your husband and he was still my husband until divorce. Usually when God tells you to do something it’s not for the other person. It’s to protect you! Honor God and He will honor you! I truly believe as I remained faithful throughout my marriage and through an unwanted divorce that God will be faithful and honor me with the desires of my heart.

    Reply
  50. Anonymous

    I’m waiting because I’m trying to build a relationship with God. I had a promise with Him long before I make any promise to another person. Breaking that promise would break my heart.

    Reply
  51. Elizabeth

    I’m passing through what you were explaining in the first paragraph and this totally encouraged me to wait, not only for my future spouse, but for my relationship with God. Thank you!

    Reply
  52. LLL

    I am a 22 year old female who took a vow of abstinence when I was about 13 or 14 at a purity retreat sponsored by the female youth leaders from my church. This has really been something that I have struggled with as I have tried dating guys throughout college. The way I see it is that God will use this to lead me to who I am supposed to be with and we will have a great relationship because of Him. A lot of guys do not understand purity and are not willing to wait with me. I know that the person God has picked for me will be understanding of my purity commitment and it will help bring God into our relationship. If I had not made this vow when I was younger, I definitely would not have the relationship that I have with God today and would have had a lot of sexual regrets.

    Reply
  53. Nortif

    Moral relativism strikes again. The Bible clearly – CLEARLY – states that sex outside of marriage is sin. You can try to squirm around the issue by calling it repressive, by blaming the church or calling it “blessed” (which it certainly is not) but no matter how you spin it, sex outside of marriage remains sin. Read these posts with discretion young people. Compare their “wisdom” to scripture just as Titus and I Timothy tell us to. Then reject the call to accept sin as anything but what the Bible says it is.

    Reply
      1. Nortif

        Nicole, it’s not the blog I’m concerned about. It’s the comments that I’m addressing. Read my earlier post and you will find that I agree with the blog. My apologies for the confusion.

        Reply
    1. thewhiteboardpig

      Nortif, do you know what else the Bible calls a sin?

      Wearing your husband’s tee shirt: Deuteronomy 22:5 “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.”

      Arrogance (surely you aren’t guilty of this though): Proverbs 16:5 Every one who is arrogant is an abomination to the LORD; be assured, he will not go unpunished.

      Not doing what you’re told by your husband: 1 Peter 3:1 – Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

      Disobediant childern (who should be executed): If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place; And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die

      Masturbation: 1 Corinthians 6:18 – Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

      Hating on immigrants: Leviticus 19:18 – Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I [am] the LORD.

      In fact, here’s a list of 667 sins listed in the bible, all with references to verses. Why some much focus on sex when, surely, so many in here including you commit other sins daily, repeatedly?

      http://www.wogim.org/sinlist.htm

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        Not to mention wearing clothing of mixed fabrics! There is WAY too much of a focus on sex, it’s a little weird.

        Reply
  54. Amber P.

    I didn’t want for marriage, and I have no regrets. My partner (and husband-to-be) and I have what I consider to be a blessed sex and love life. And due to us letting nature unfold at the rate we felt comfortable with, I now know, without a doubt, that not only are we emotionally and intellectually compatible, but also that we are sexually compatible. This trifecta of chemistry and suitability is explosive and deeply satisfying, and I’ll be able to move onto the next step of life with him without any doubts or questions.

    I’d never condemn or criticize anyone else for waiting, and more power to them if it ends up working out, but I certainly don’t think it’s for everyone. I think sex (as well as God) is a deeply personal decision to make, and it’s one that is unique to each person. Just my two cents.

    Reply
  55. Darryl Rhodes

    Blah blah blah. Been a christian for 40 years and was a virgin when I got married. While I still believe in no sex before marriage I cannot believe that God would see me as a second rate Christian or my marriage be second rate if I did not wait. Frankly my reasons for waiting were mainly fear and guilt based, emotions the church manged to trap me in. My God is much bigger than what you portray and if you were honest so is yours.

    Reply
    1. Joanna

      Mr Darryl that is true, but I don’t think he meant that, I personally think he simply meant that while you are living in sin (not after you have asked for forgiveness) that it will affect your relationship with God. And that the primary reason for waiting untill marriage should be because you Love God and want to obey Him. Not that you will be a second rate Christian.Be blessed

      Reply
    2. Amber P.

      Jumping off of the “fear and guilt” part of your comment, the sad thing is that that kind of indoctrination is sometimes never shaken off. I’ve heard countless stories of married people who’ve been unable to recover from the “sex is dirty and sinful” attitudes they’ve been encultured in for all of their lives, despite now being in a union within which sex is sanctioned. So they go on, having half-hearted and shame-ridden sex with their spouse, hating themselves afterward.

      Twisting something that can be so transcendent into something ugly and fearful is a tragedy, imo.

      Reply
      1. Lupita

        Thanks for this Amber. This is exactly where I am right now. My husband and I waited and now I have no desire to have sex with him. I feel like waiting was a huge mistake and now we have to figure out how to deal with this as newlyweds.

        Reply
      2. Julia

        This is actually for Lupita but it wouldn’t let me post under her the is a book called “And they were not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment” by Laura M Brotherson it is an amazing book

        Reply
      3. Tori

        For Lupita: I second Julia’s suggestion. “And they were not ashamed” has a whole chapter on what the author calls the “good girl syndrome”. I read the book before we got married and it definitely helped strengthen our relationship. I had a past experience that I thought would get in the way of our honeymoon, but God helped me move on and I think this book was part of how He did that.

        Reply
  56. eva

    Amazing words .keep up the good work .
    And do god’s will. And gaves me better words for my own children. I thank god for men like you .

    Reply
  57. Nathan

    I didn’t wait on any account. I’m 38 yrs old and there isn’t a day go by that I don’t regret my past Sexual history and wonder if that’s why I have never been married. The youth minister at my church is 22, is a virgin, and he and I talk on a regular basis about how it affects me, the depression I have sometimes, and how it’s just not worth it. I know God loves me but I don’t think any other woman would.

    Reply
    1. Darryl Rhodes

      Nathan, love yourself as God sees you as incredible and amazing. He created sex to be the most beautiful, wonderful expression of intimacy and the church has managed to make it a bargaining chip. Something dirty and perverted except with the confines they prescribe. Who created marriage? When was it created? Who was sleeping with who before marriage came about? Like me you have obviously been indoctrinated around this issue. At 53, married for 32 years and a christian for 40 years I regret the years I have wasted being sexually screwed up by the church. Jesus came to set us free in every area of life, to break the repressive teachings. I am not a free sex person. I still believe in fidelity but I do question the no sex before marriage thing. In fact I reject it. What I do challenge is sex outside of emotional intimacy and relationaship but even if you have engaged in this why does the church hold up your sin as so much deeper or lasting thatn any other. I encourage you to start getting free on this topic today. God does not think any better of you for harbouring guilt, shame, negativity toward yourself. Do not waste the number of years I did feeling the way you do. Confess, repent and move on and do not allow some 22 year old know nothing to drag you down. Preaching should not do that to people anyway.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        This is perfectly said, and what I thought the article would be about. I was a little disappointed but I’m assuming that’s what the click-bate title was for. I respect people that wait, and I was one of those for a very long time myself, but so many Christians seem to make sex such an end-all-be-all and there’s just way too much of a focus on it.

        Reply
    2. Anonymous

      You don’t think a woman could ever love you because you have had sex before?

      That’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m sure you’re a great man and any woman would be lucky to have you.

      Your past is your past and although it is great to be honest, it is for God to judge you.

      (And no decent or compassionate God-loving woman thinks like that….)

      Reply
    3. Anonymous

      Daniel I think you might have missed part of the point of the article, living for God. I cant say you should reject the commandment of no pre-marital sex (its in the New Testament), but beating yourself up for your past wont allow you to move on.
      I’m not sure why you think no Christian woman would want anything to do with you, but if that’s the case, shes truly not acting like a Christian. No one is without sin and if we confess that known sin, and truly repent, God forgives us.
      Understand that Satan knows our weaknesses and he plays every card he has to make us feal guilty. Dont let this youth pastor try and make you feel guilty. What he says is the truth (about abstaining before marriage) but its YOUR relationship with God that counts.
      If you’ve repented, move on and keep loving Christ, you’ll find some awesome God loving lady that will accept you for who you are.

      Reply
    4. Tori

      My husband wasn’t a “virgin” when we got married, but when he gave himself to God a few years before we met and truly repented, God made him clean. If you are truly repentant, anything is possible with God. Yes, there was a girl my husband dated after he repented that shunned him after he told her; but not every Christian girl out there is like that. My husband was completely honest with me. He told me about his past before asking me to date him. Did his past hurt? Of course it did, but honestly, I could see God working through him and see how scared he was that I would reject him for his past. I could see how he had completely given himself to God and had been forgiven. He was clean to God, so he was clean to me. If you truly repent, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

      Reply
    5. Jenn marie

      I want to encourage you. I waited. My husband did not. It was difficult and painful to deal with in the beginning, but not impossible. We celebrated four years of marriage last summer and have a beautiful relationship. His sexual past is not even an issue an more. Following God’s commands is of great importance. Forgiveness and not judging our brothers and sisters are both commandments too. Accept God’s forgiveness and ask Him for a gracious and godly woman.

      Reply
    6. Alisha

      I feel the exact same way. The same thoughts, same guilt, same assumption as to why I am single. I have prayed for forgiveness from God, but I regret to say i am still in the process of forgiving myself. I figure if it bothers me this much, how much more would it bother a man who might want to date me (but is a virgin, or, a Christian as I am)? :-/

      The truth is, maybe we won’t ever get married… I’ve come to the decision that if God does have someone for me? He will bring us together. If not, then that’s that. I would love to have a husband, to have children, but there are things I like about being single too. I get to worship God, read His Word, whenever I want. It gives me free time to go out and help others if I choose. Granted, I still wish I had someone by my side to do those things with, but, I am content with my life as it is, and am sure there are things about the married life (both with or without children) that I don’t even realize. A marriage, children, they are blessings, but they are also responsibilities and require much care and attention.

      God ultimately knows what is best for us. I leave my future, and my marital status, to Him. <3

      Reply
    7. Anon Secondary Virgin

      Don’t allow the enemy to rent that space in your mind… if you have turned away from that lifestyle now and sought forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself. God CHOOSES to remember it no more. You are free from it – so don’t look back. It could well be that you have never married because you cannot forgive yourself and love yourself – so start right now. Onward and upward.

      Reply
    8. Sahara

      Nathan.
      Sweetheart my husband and I both have very tainted sexual pasts. But we repented to God. And God brought us together it took both of us to fully look to God and stop looking for the one before he brought us each other.
      It’s all in His timing. Work on your relationship with God. He should be number one in your life. 🙂
      My prayers are with you sweetie.

      Reply
  58. Nortif

    This post is right on as far as it goes. Sexual fidelity is definitely Biblical but there is a very dangerous assumption on which this entire post is based and it is decidedly not Biblical. That is, that we must get married. The writer makes no room for being single yet Paul clearly writes at least in two passages that I know that being single is preferred (so that we can serve Him singlemindedly). Don’t let the world – including Christian culture – dictate that you must get married. Unfortunately, the mindset of this author leaves no room for this Biblical alternative. And, if he never does marry – for whatever reason – he has already set himself up for what he may consider to be a failure in life.

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      He said to wait until marriage for sex and nowhere did he say that being single was not preferred by two passages of the bible. Me and my husband waited before sex and we were each others first on our wedding night. We also have a mutual friend that is well up in age and he has never had sexual intercourse and has an great relationship with God. This writing is all in what you make of it. It is not fair to twist it all around.

      Reply
    2. Anonymous

      You’re right. He doesn’t mention anything that leaves room for the people who won’t marry at all; however, it’s still the same basic concept. The Bible tells us all of the issues that can happen with our relationship to God by having pre-marital sex. So regardless if one is going to marry or not, if they are a believer and follow God’s word, than they will restrain from pre-marital sex.

      Reply
    3. Anonymous

      I’ve studied Paul’s writing fervently; Paul does say being single is best because you can best serve God when you only have God to serve. But Paul also says that if you cannot remain pure physically or mentally then it is best to get married. I don’t think this writer is saying anything wrong with being single, he is simply saying if you’re making the choice to abstain from sex until marriage make sure you’re doing it for the right reason. I work in youth ministry and something we do a lot is tell students, “imagine how awesome it is going to be when you can tell your future spouse ‘I waited for you”; I really like what he says about the real reason we need for waiting shouldn’t be our partner but God.

      Reply
    4. daHubb

      RE: “setting himself up for failure”…Why did you even THINK that he hasn’t considered being single as a lifestyle choice? Since the tenor of the article is ‘snapping out of a mistaken belief’ and choosing to do things that glorify GOD, the author is now putting himself in a place where GOD Himself can illuminate what actions HE wants the obedient human being to take: this is a BIBLICAL strongpoint, as shown by “delight yourself in the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart”. I love the pun in this because it implies 2 things: 1) GOD will give you the desires for your heart to seek out and explore. and 2) God will make you happy in the choices you take that serve HIM! If the man hasn’t already come to grips with where his “desires” are, whether single or married life, then simply by following GOD this (or any believing) person will be led to glorify GOD with his actions, whether married or single. Please lose the axe you seem to be grinding: God’s already got this!

      Reply
  59. cindybiondigobrecht

    Whenever God’s will is in complete control, He removes all pressure. And when we deliberately choose to obey Him, He will reach to the remotest star and to the ends of the earth to assist us with all of His almighty power. Oswald Chambers

    Reply
  60. sisterdizzy

    Thank you for posting. This is such a beautiful message and can be applied to so many other commandments as well. 🙂 thank you for your testimony, it strengthened my testimony of why I am staying pure before marriage.

    Reply
  61. Melody

    This post is great! I enjoy all of your post on this blog! I look forward to finding a man wanting to wait for God with me! I am 19 and teach a small group at my church for middle school and high school girls, I am going to show this to them tomorrow not only to show them that they should wait for God but to show why they should do everything for God and with him in mind first.

    Reply
      1. Anonymous

        Really dude? Show some respect! It’s easy to do. Try….. Keeping your dirty mouth shut when you can’t say anything positive. You obviously took the time to read this so why throw trash in a clean place. Think about that?!?!

        Reply
    1. Anonymous

      I agree. But, you must also do for yourself too. I think God wants us balanced. If you do it just for him, you may feel like you have to do it in order to please God. If you do it for yourself as well as God, your more willing to cooperate with him. I believe I’m going to do it for me and God. I’ve been preparing my heart for marriage and I need so much of his grace to wait. As I get delivered, I am more free to wait until he comes. Not anxious. I prayed that he (my future husband) and I will have so much fun together that we don’t think about sex. God granted it.

      Reply
  62. Anonymous

    Not having sex..and leaving it up the the sinners to repopulate the earth isn’t smart! I sleep with every girl I can ….no rubber ….for god ! Just like he told me to in a dream .

    Reply
  63. Ali

    I found your words inspiring, I had the same problem for alot of the issues and temptations I was facing but I was looking at it the wrong way. As soon as I switched my thought process so that all my actions were purely for the sake of God because he deserves it and not for selfish desires all obstacles became alot alot easier. P.S. I’m a Muslim and there’s alot of common challenges that the abrahamic followers face. Peace.

    Reply
  64. S

    I think the assumption that just because you wait it will make it better is a complete myth in the Christian world. You might get lucky and it might be good or you could stuck with someone who doesn’t like it or want it on the same level as you. I waited. I married and I was very unfulfilled and eventually the desolation of no intimacy killed my marriage. I was stuck with a guy who had little or no interest in it. It may not be the glue that sticks your marriage together but if you dont have similar sex drives it will never last. And God was my focus in marriage and I would pray to him to allow the kind of intimacy that would honor Him in my marriage but it never happened. So in theory your idea of abstinence sounds good but in reality you could make the biggest mistake of your life and be tied to someone who is so different than you that it would never work. So you stay in it and be miserable or you get out of the situation. God sometimes doesn’t always bless the good actions. You can just hope he will.

    Reply
    1. Taylor

      I really hate to hear that your marriage was torn apart, especially when you were obedient in so many ways. I was wondering if you have any advice for me, as a virgin at 21 years old — senior year of college. Initially I abstained due to religious reasons but now I’m wondering if I should still wait. A lot of my christian friends are sexually active and I’m just jealous of it. Granted, I do all of the “other things” besides sex. Which, as I stated earlier, I think the notion of crossing some “line” is absurd. What do you have to say about this? I feel like physically I’m really ready to have sex, but I’m scared that my future self is going to regret it. I dont have any “serious” guy in my life now, but I’m not going to lie, there is a guy (or two) that I want to have sex with…but I’m nervous about losing my virginity to someone I don’t love.

      Reply
      1. Taylor Keltner

        Taylor,
        This sounds all too familiar to me. I would feel guilty to have read this and then to not respond. Being in your shoes quite awhile back I feel that I should give you my thoughts on this. I think you need to realize that you are trying to battle your fleshly ways alone. That is why you are so conflicted. You cannot battle your flesh alone. You need God and you need to reach out to others who can give you guidance on this as well. I would listen to the fear that your future self may regret having sex before marriage. Just the fact alone you are afraid of what the future may hold in regards to your choice to possibly have sex before marriage, tells me that God is in your life. I cannot tell you to practice self-control nor to remain abstinent. But I can tell you that if you choose to continue to ride this fence of purity it will only make you weaker. It sounds like you are so conflicted because you are putting your religious duties above God. You should continue to wait because God asks you to. Really, He commands you to. (Colossians 3:5) He commands you to not just abstain from sex until marriage, but to abstain from sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires all together. Your body is a temple, and who or what you give your heart to is a good indication of where it stands and what you are putting first in your life. Are you giving your heart to guys? Or are you giving it to God? Also, you mentioned being jealous of your friends for having sex. It almost sounds like you are envious, not jealous. You want something you don’t have, but then once you get it, then what? I will tell you that from my own experience, anything outside of how God intends it will only leave you more lonely, more hurt and even more envious. You cannot fill holes with sex. If you are being tempted to have sex, whether it’s oral or anything else that is impure, that is not from God. Call on God to replace your temptations with His truths. Guard your heart, start building your walls now, because I am afraid that the more guys you let into your heart, the more guys you let see you naked, the more you settle and the more and more you make excuses in regards to purity, the harder it will be to say no to sex and the more broken you will become. I would really think about where this idea you are ready to have sex is coming from, because it is not coming from God. God wants us to have joy, and if you choose to do impure things before marriage it is only robbing you from the ultimate joy you could have experienced if you decided to wait. You can choose now to repent, and give all your sexual sin to God. It is not too late for Him to change you and set you free from sexual sin. Don’t ride the fence on purity anymore. I wish I had someone tell me I was not ready to have sex, and I wish that I would have listened to God. The Song Of Solomon changed my life in regards to how I viewed purity, maybe you should give it a read too. Thanks for being open and honest, you reaching out is a good sign and a great start!

        Reply
      2. thewhiteboardpig

        Herein lies the problem with waiting until marriage. The longer the wait, the more you put sex on a pedestal and the more nervous you become about losing your virginity because of being sexually inexperienced compared to your peers. This sets you up for gross disappointment because in reality sex isn’t as earth-shattering as you’ve hyped it up to be and it’s downright lame when you don’t know what you’re doing. Now that you’ve waited so long and the virginity loss has been given so much value in your mind, you might as well continue waiting until you can find someone you do love (certainly not until marriage) or else you will regret giving it away cheapy, since you’ve invested so much time and effort and holding on to it. You will never, ever regret having sex with someone you love, whether you’re married to them or not. You MIGHT regret having sex with one of these random guys as purely a hookup.

        One other point worth noting – you’ve said you’ve done “other things”. Now I’m not religious (I used to be in my less-smart days), but I’m plenty well versed in Christianity because I was raised that way and I was in your position at one time. If you’re waiting for religious reasons, that “other things” is still fornication. Masterbation is fornication. The Bible says nothing about sex before marriage, it talks about fornication before marriage. You’ve already done plenty of that, so if you think you’re “waiting” and pure in god’s eyes, you’re deludiing yourself. Go have sex when it feels right to you and you’ll be set free from this horribly unnatural suppression of nature calling “waiting”. Trust me. I’ve been there. Aside from ditching religion entirely, it was the most liberating experience of my live.

        Reply
  65. KB

    I agree that this commandment is more for our spiritual well-being than for our temporal relationships here on the earth. I believe that waiting is the purest expression of love for God AND our future spouse. It is love because it shows self-control and faith in God’s commandments. When you wait, you show that you put God and others above your own carnal desires and lusts. I can’t imagine giving all of myself to someone who I’m not married to. I actually feel like my primary reason for waiting is to protect myself from getting hurt, spiritually and emotionally. But, I am glad that I read your article because it is making me think about how I can strengthen my relationship with God.

    Reply
  66. R.J.

    Some of us men aren’t as fortunate to have found the woman yet and never will. I for one have no future and no woman would ever be with me. Yet the sexual urges are still there. I have given up on this wait till marriage not because I think its ok to do so but a man ‘s urges at some point need to be met and circumstances sometimes keeps him from ever getting to find a woman to be his future wife. If I have to pay someone to help me with my impulses so be it. This story is more for people who are in a position to find a woman to be their future spouses. The rest of us just have to do what we have to do. A mans appetites dont go away.

    So Im not too sympathetic with this story only because he has a woman for him when the waiting is over. The real question is what does a man do who wants to do the “right” thing and wait knowing that as loser no woman would ever want to be with him. A man with no sex cant be healthy and I refuse to believe that Im morally obligated to wait before it affects me.

    Some of us simply cant wait for a future spouse truly

    Reply
  67. Kayla

    Hi! So you’re saying you didn’t wait till marriage but you are acknowledging that the reason we wait till marriage is because it is another way we can glorify God. If you agree with that, why didn’t you wait till marriage? I’m only asking because I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 years, I’m 18, and I would like to wait till marriage because I love God and it isn’t about what I want but how I can glorify God.

    Reply
    1. Kayla

      Sorry I accdientally posted it without finishing haha. OK so! Taking that into account, i am having subtle doubts about waiting because I know the man I’m with is the man I want to marry and isn’t that the reason for waiting in the first place? The comfort and security of only sharing the act of love with one person? My significant other has never wanted to wait because he knows I’m the person he wants to marry and that’ll never change, so ultimately he wants to experience full love now instead of waiting. I just wanted to get your opinion because it’s something I’ve been struggling with

      Reply
      1. amber

        I think that he’s saying that he is still waiting until marriage…but not for the sake of his future wife anymore, but to honor Christ.

        Reply
      2. danielwildeblog

        Kayla,

        Thanks for reaching out. What I meant, is that, yes I have still waited for my future spouse. But I didn’t wait FOR her. Meaning the point isn’t to do it for her or us, but for God.

        I hear where you’re coming from. When you know it seems pointless to wait still, or when you’re engaged. But I’d encourage you to still follow God’s word and wait until the knot is tied. I’m sure its extremely hard since you know, but continue to walk in that and do it for God not just because you know that guy is “the one”.

        Thanks

        Reply
  68. Jen

    this is great. Thanks for writing it, Daniel. I’m 34, we both waited, and I do want to encourage you that it IS worth the wait! We all sin every day and there are always consequences, but some create greater hurdles for us to recover from than others. This is a great reminder to keep God at the center. I love your thoughts here- thanks SO much for sharing them!

    Reply
  69. Emily

    J,

    Thank you so much for the post, this is something I really needed reminding of. Me and my boyfriend (high school sweetheart, we are now both in college) have been dating for close to 5 years and are waiting as well because we want to glorify the Lord. It is SO hard sometimes to please him and want what God wants for us, to wait to have sex and get married, but we know that in the end the Lord is exactly who we should be concerned about. We have learned so many things about each other through waiting, about the Lord, and about His Truth, one of them being that you can’t ever depend on another human being to satisfy that thirst in our souls. Your post is very appreciated!

    Reply
  70. Z

    Well it seems to me that God does not will me to have a girlfriend #foreveralone :p It’s rough some days, but pretty nice on others. I think my biggest thing was that for a while I was trying to rely on others making me happy when in truth, I have to make myself happy. From that, I realized I don’t NEED a girlfriend or wife to carry on. I’m strong enough to get by on my own. In fact, I’m pretty sure God applauds those who dont have to marry to get through their life.

    Reply
  71. Ros

    It’s pretty important for those of us who aren’t waiting at all. That is, those of us who are single and expect to be so for the rest of our lives. Or at least, are living in the present and not making assumptions about our future. There won’t necessarily be a spouse to wait for at all, so focusing on that hypothetical is pointless.

    Reply
  72. A.J.

    Nice article! Thank you. I agree. I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot lately. We live in an individualistic culture and we are very concerned about our own pleasure, our own success, etc. I think even when we try to do something in accordance with the church, like “wait for marriage”, we tend to filter it through what we’ve learned our whole lives living in this here modern culture. We do it without even realizing it!

    Reply
  73. Bryan C

    In the Stephen King novel “The Stand,” which is getting renewed attention these days due to a forthcoming release of a series of movies starring Matthew McConaughey, the character named Nadine was “saving herself” for her intended man. Sure, keeping oneself as an “unbroken vessel” seems like a very noble way to go about life until you consider the “why” and “for whom.” This, of course, is an extreme example but she was most definitely not keeping herself pure for God; quite the opposite, “her intended” was a demonic being. Needless to say, she found herself gravitating toward the forces of evil as the story progressed.

    Reply
  74. Mary

    You claim that you should be more focused on your relationship with Christ than your future wife, but by having a relationship with your future wife is having a relationship with Christ. We are all made in God’s image, so by having a relationship with her you are ultimately saving yourself for Christ, which is what we are called to do. There is some truth to what you claim, but also ignorance.

    Reply
  75. Bob

    I waited till my wedding night to have sex and I wish I hadn’t. Turns out my ex-wife had been in a previous, undisclosed, four year abusive relationship (all forms). She had/has huge issues with intimacy and anything to do with sex. Numerous counselors and many thousands of dollars spent on counseling couldn’t bring the healing she so desperately needs. Some pre-marriage shenanigans would’ve exposed this and we could have either started to address those issues or I would’ve ended the relationship; exactly why she hid all these things from me. I played by ‘the rules’ the first time round, not going to wait the second time.

    Reply
  76. Abby

    Guys not everything is about SEX! If to virgins go together they won’t know how it should feel in bed!! Stop being stupid! He’s right.. Life isn’t about sleeping with every man and women u see! I would love to sleep with one man for the rest of my life then many! I rather have one man kissing me then many, I rather spend my life with the man I feel in love with then hopping and hoping: maybe he’s the one? Sex is not the answer to our problems cuz it hasn’t fixed mine! The bible says: to keep your heart safe and not open the doors. U should not look for ur husband/wife but to wait for God to bring u to together! Life isn’t about SEX cuz idk about u guys but umm.. I don’t like giving myself to the man I thought I loved then dumps me! I don’t want to me a Ho,Slut,etc. Why be named called and be that toy they got to play with and left! Come on ppl wake up! I rather be with one man and not be named called and looked at like a Ho but as a rare ruby to my husbands eyes cuz I kept and waited for him all these years.

    Reply
  77. raechelflorentine

    This is click bait at best. “I didn’t wait for my future spouse,…” And a common refrain from every “hip” youth pastor growing up. The divorces rate is according to most studies the same inside and outside the church. The ones that show a difference often specify the anomalies are due to the oppressive nature and shaming that couples especially young financially dependent women feel by certain churches. Divorce isn’t a problem it’s a symptom of a problem of abuse neglect lack of GOD’s love faithfulness etc. as society changes and becomes more supportive people are saying that out of shame and embarrassment I am not going to continue like this if GOD isn’t in my relationship and I’ve made a mistake then I am going to own up to it and seek elsewhere. As for the stats that sex life is good–hell yeah that would be reported as so a) what are they comparing it to and b) they have waited their entire life for it, it’s ordained by GOD prayers and blessings have been said the church obsesses about shames it exploits it you are higher than high in the earthly church for keeping the sanctity of sex. What are you then going to report: it’s ehhh. No you are going to play your trumpet in streets in celebration of yourself. Ultimately these ambiguous passages about sexual sin and keeping furniture “pure” from…bed bugs I dunno were the original shaming articles to keep bloodlines pure and woman as trading assets.

    Your devine relationship is with GOD and no man no legal system can start or stop your relationship with GOD. A relationship is a concept that sometimes you find GOD through another person; a marriage isn’t the start of something it’s continuation of relationship you should already have, a concept people have a hard time. grasping inside and outside the church a rate of about 50%.

    Reply
  78. M

    I waited for the man I married, was 33 before I had sex, and I don’t think it was worth waiting. My husband didn’t appreciate that I waited, and I missed out on sex during the years that I had the most sex drive. Was my relationship with God better because I waited? How will I ever know? I could add more but then I’d probably write a whole article. Sorry to disappoint the good hearted virgins.

    Reply
    1. L

      M, thanks for sharing… I don’t know you but just wanted to encourage you that you made the right decision to wait. From what we understand from the Bible and as expressed in this post, yes, your relationship with God was better because you obeyed/loved Him and waited. The hard thing is that we don’t always see the reward when we do the right thing. Your husband may not have appreciated it, but you honouring God, yourself and him brings more to a long-haul relationship than past pleasurable experiences that were against God’s will as expressed in His word, imho….. May God bless you and your marriage.

      Reply
  79. emalee

    I didn’t read all of these posts but the first few were obviously from those that don’t follow Christ and don’t care to or have no idea what living for Christ really means, stick to your beliefs and ignore all the rest are saying, they ‘re not in the same mindset. Thank you for the encouragement and confirmation that I am not the only one waiting and follow ing His standard’s.

    Reply
  80. Erin hughes

    Th kind of attitude did a very good job of ruining my life. Sex isn’t a sin when you love a person, it’s an expression of love and intimacy and to teach people otherwise can lead them to all the problems which have plagued me and caused me to need a whole lot of therapy and drugs. Stop teaching this to people

    Reply
    1. thewhiteboardpig

      Right on. As someone else that grew up with this idea preached to them I can confirm that when my eyes were finally opened, I realized how much damage it had done. Sex is a wonderful part of a healthy relationship and an important bonding experience between partners. Modern Christianity portarys sex as dirty and vile (regardless of what they actually SAY about it, this is the result of how they TREAT it). This is an incredibly unhealthy mindset, especially as it relates to suppressing and fighting natural, healthy urges of your body (especially during formative years). The tendancy is to counter this argument by setting up the strawman that anyone that doesn’t wait until marriage is some kind of whore/manwhore off having as many meaningless sexual relations as possible. This makes it easy to demonize the idea of not waiting until marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth. The vast majority of folks are enjoying sex within loving relationships, while the Christian virgins (who, don’t get me wrong, mean well) are unnaturally suppressing urges and missing out on a beautiful thing that nature has give us. Posts this one make me sad for both partners involved, because there’s honor and glory in waiting. It will only lead to disappointment and regret.

      Reply
  81. Anonymous

    Honestly I think that people who don’t have sex until marriage are ok with their sex life because they have nothing else to compare it to. You won’t really know if it’s amazing sex or not, that can be a good or bad thing. I’m so glad I didn’t wait because I know what it’s like now to have that sexual chemistry with my lover rather than it being a guessing game or something that could cause problems in our relationship

    Reply
    1. Adrian Whitt

      Sorry, but what if you had sex with your partner and it wasn’t all that amazing? Would you have broken up with him/her? Without an unconditional commitment, does your faithfulness to your lover depend on your “sexual chemistry?” That could have certainly would have caused problems in your life.

      I’m glad things worked out for you, but your approach doesn’t make it any less of a guessing game or a problem-causer.

      Reply
      1. thewhiteboardpig

        Seeing as how sex is important, natural, and healthy part of a relationship, yes maybe those two partners aren’t meant to be together. So, no, it doesn’t make it a guessing game. You get to know a person sexually just as you would get to know any other aspect of them. If you aren’t compatible, you go your separate ways. I pity the people that roll the dice and don’t find out about sexual compatibility until they’re legally tied to someone.

        Reply
  82. Anonymous

    Excellent point! Matthew 22:37. Love God with all thy heart…
    Thank you for standing on the Lord’s Word rather than on man’s tradition!

    Reply
  83. Kelsey

    Beautiful point. It’s always encouraging to hear of others waiting for marriage, and this is a nice reminder to make sure my heart is in the right place

    Reply
  84. J

    I waited for marriage and it the best thing I have ever done, I did it because of God and wanted to do everything pleasing to him. He has truly blessed us and my husband is the most amazing man ever!

    Reply
  85. Audrey

    “I’ve mentioned in a previous post how studies have shown that those who wait until their wedding night have a much lower divorce rate” Corrolation doesn’t imply causation, ever heard that? Maybe the fact that divorce is frowned upon by the Church could have something to do with it….? As for the “reported better sex life”, l expect lower standards and lack of any comparison points sort of prevent real objectivity in that one!

    Reply
    1. Adrian Whitt

      I’m with you on the correlation and causation bit, but though I also agree that lack of comparisons prevent objectivity, I would argue that this is actually a good thing. Comparing your husband or wife to previous sex partners is just not going to make life easier for either of you. There is no reason to believe that it makes sex physically better or more enjoyable, but if you’re more satisfied, who cares? Of course, being more emotionally connected with your spouse is an important reason, too.

      Divorce is “frowned upon” by a whole lot of people. Except in cases of serious abuse, divorce is always a bad thing. It destroys countless lives on a daily basis (mine included). That is not an exclusively Christian point of view, though the majority of the church endorses it (at least in principle). If more people “frowned upon” divorce instead of turning a blind eye, we would have a much more loving and stable generation of kids growing up today.

      Still, it has been shown (sorry I can’t cite right now) that divorce rates are lower among Christians who wait until marriage than Christians who don’t. This isn’t a “church vs irreligious” study. The only variable is virginity at marriage. Causation does not directly follow from that, but it seems to be the best explanation for sure. And if as is reported, virginity at marriage improves peoples satisfaction with their sex lives afterward (even if not their physical pleasure), they would likely have fewer stresses on their marriage to begin with.

      I get that you’re not a Christian or anything, but the point of this article is that nothing I just said ultimately matters. Christians (who follow Christ) follow Christ’s commands. Christians shouldn’t wait until marriage or forego divorce for the benefits it gives them, but out of love and obedience to God. I won’t blame you for that not being a good enough reason for you, but it is to us.

      Reply
  86. Ashley

    i am so glad that you posted this. I waited for my husband because it was the way God wanted it and because that way I could be pure for my husband. It was never easy, but I knew that I could do it through gods strength. My husband didn’t wait, and that has been a struggle in our relationship. I think waiting is what God wants and he knows it’ll spare a lot of issues in your future.

    Reply
  87. lebibliophile

    As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (a Mormon) we also believe in moral purity and chastity before marriage. I love your post and how rather than choosing to stay clean because you power it to your future spouse or because it will bless you in your marriage, both good things, but you choose to do it because you love God and as Jesus teaches in Matt 15:14 “if ye love me, keep my commandments” Truly, there is no better way to show our love and devotion to the one who created all and the one who atoned for or sins than to keep the commandments they have given us. I know that because they love us, as we strive to follow and keep the commandments, we will be blessed. These things I know to be true

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      God is pro sex! After all, he created it. But there is unhealthy sex and then there is healthy sex. He wants us to have all that his gift has to offer at it’s fullest!

      Reply
    2. Bridget

      God doesn’t want us to have sex before marriage because sex is unifying, procreative, And, yes, it feels good. That is the sex triangle. They are all equally important. So when you have sex, you chemically and emotionally get attached to the person you had sex with. You may not realize that, but you do. Also, in regards to contraceptives, They are wrong because you were trying to take out the procreative part of the triangle. When you take it out of the triangle, the triangle collapses. Same as taking the the unity portion out of the well. You need all of these parts to have a happy marriage, but also having sex before marriage doesn’t ruin it for the future, but not having premarital sex will make it better. And that is why it is better to not have sex before marriage.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        So if you just had a baby you can’t take contraceptive but it’s Ok to have a newborn and be pregnant are you crazy?! I’m not married and I have a baby shock horror and even worse I take contraceptive pills I’m obvious the lowest of the low 😐

        Reply
      2. krista

        Anonymous,

        You are NOT the lowest of the low–– you have your own beliefs….everyone has a different perspective!

        There ARE contraceptives that are 100% against the Bible –– ones that dispose of a baby if it is in you. Aka abortion type birth control.

        However, as a strong believer of God, I myself was on birth control, and know many who are. (you just have to check and make sure it doesn’t purposely kill the baby.)

        But, I got pregnant on birth control, as did my sister in law and now I’m one of those crazy people––I am not on any anymore I haven’t been on it since my daughter was about 7 months–– she just turned two–– no second baby yet.

        I decided too use this as a token of my faith to God…that I am leaving it in his hands because clearly he wanted me to have a baby when I didn’t–– and now she’s the most amazing part of my and my husbands life.

        I said all of this NOT to make you feel lower, but to let you know God knows your heart. He knows that you don’t feel its wrong to take birth control–he knows why you are.

        I took it, and many other women !!don’t let the women who DON’T take it make you feel small or wrong. Pray to God, see what he wants of you. After all, he loves you.

        Happy Thanksgiving,

        Krista

        Reply
  88. Jill

    I waited for my future husband our life together is truly blessed. We are now expecting twins in may. I truly believe everything that was written in this blog above, thank you for writting it for young people.

    Reply
  89. tee

    I’ve thought about it this way though, and I’m thankful for this article. But the reason I’ve kept on is because I never want to get hurt by any dude after giving it up. But knowing that it pleases God makes me even stronger to press on!

    Reply
  90. wasyliwt

    You are right Daniel. God has given us His word to follow and it will stand the test of time. By grace I was a virgin on my wedding night, and seven years later I am still reaping the benefits of honouring the Lord. Blessings.

    Reply
  91. Sharon

    Whew – you had me worried for a bit there!!!! But extremely cool perspective!! Thanks for giving those of us with the same values HOPE that there’s a male out there who realizes that his manhood is not reliant on his experienced prowess, but on his character, integrity, values, and his response to his Savior.

    Reply
  92. Evan Richins

    I love this post. Very good an well worded. The only thing I would disagree on, and perhaps this is just a miss-reading, is that we shouldn’t wait for our relationship with God. We actively seek out Christ and His glory. And an addition to what you have said… We should never feel like our relationship with God is adequate, because we can always know Him more. And in saying that, we should not let the thought of always getting to know God paralyze us from trying to find a spouse and enjoy what God has made for us.

    Reply
  93. J

    Your future marriage won’t last when your wife refuses to sleep with you after giving birth. This will be because you will have no idea how to please her in bed. Go fuck a few girls. Do your wife a favor.

    Reply
    1. S

      As a woman, there is WAY more to pleasing me then just having sex.
      Which is funny, because according to this world’s standards; sex is everything.

      My husband and I both had many partners before getting married.
      And guess what? We still don’t satisfy each other sometimes because sex is more then an action.
      There is more to a man than sex. There is more to a woman than sex.

      So, your marriage will fail either way if you think SEX is the only thing keeping you together.

      Reply
      1. My Name

        No, good sex isn’t everything, HOWEVER the lack of good sex is everything. Obviously you don’t know what a “dead bedroom” is if you think otherwise. If you’re not satisfied during sex, then step your game up. Learn new things. No use doing something you don’t enjoy.

        Reply
    2. Here

      To J and Others,

      This post is not meant to be written fully on sex but rather on God’s intentional relationship with His children. It’s also important to acknowledge that a marriage robbing one another of sex is just as bad as a marriage indulged in sex, with impure intentions (1 Corinthians 7:5).

      J, I also disagree with your response of being able to please your wife. It’s simply illogical and would not help either spouse.

      Reply
    3. krista

      J,

      I don’t know your heart, and I don’t know your situation but based on your post I wantyou to know I am praying for you.

      BUT not just for you, for your wife as well. Let me explain.

      As a woman,I understand the pain of birth….and I understand how much the healing hurts. BUT as a wife, we must still fulfill our husbands needs and desires. (my husband had to wait the full 6 weeks for sex, with just a little play time during. I couldn’t even walk). He struggled with it, I saw it daily. He went from having sexual relationship with me, to NONE. I finally saw how important it truly was to him. As much as he SAID he was ok, he wasn’t it was and is his love language ((look up the book the 5 love languages––great book to get to know your partner and vice versa)

      But he isn’t perfect, you aren’t perfect, I’m DEFINITELY not perfect, so I can tell you your wife isn’t perfect. But God is

      He knows your situation, so I will be praying for you, that you have understanding, BUT also that your wife does…because clearly its upsetting you.

      God bless you, and happy Thanksgiving.

      P.s. Don’t let this destroy your relationship–– with your wife OR your new baby . But especially with God.

      (Ephesians 6:11)

      Reply
    4. Meg

      I have a husband that proves your ass so wrong. The only kind of man that puts another mans dignity and self control down is a man who has none himself and is only pulling the middle school boy card to feel better about his misery. This idea hurts no one but the pride of those who would never admit there might be a better way.

      Reply
    5. Anonymous

      You don’t need to have sex with a bunch of different women to not be a snore in bed. You can practice getting better at it with your wife, make it a journey you two go through together.
      Funny how people try to put abstinence down by insulting a guys manhood.

      Reply
    1. Anonymous

      Wow, cancer is not a joke dude. My 1 year old nephew is dying from cancer. And I’m fighting my own battle with cancer as well. It’s completely heartless and cruel of you to make a comment such as the one you just did. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you don’t like the article, then move on. There’s no need to be ugly about it. Nobody forced you to read it. You chose to do so yourself. I don’t share the same views as the author, but at least I can respect his views.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        you didn’t need to get offended and leave your two cents either… much as myself… what makes you the better person so you can officially judge someone else’s humor???? I’m not against ya bud but by giving him attention and replying, you’re only adding insult to injury. Just move on without saying anything like the bigger man would do.

        Reply
  94. l.s

    this is nice I guess but we have to be careful not to make God’s commands arbitrary, like he doesn’t say do this because do this because do this. He says do this, follow this command, because it is the loving thing to do. The entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: love your neighbour as yourself. I think God commands us to abstinence before marriage because that is the loving thing to do for our spouse, not because he likes making rules just to test our obedience. That would remove what I believe is the loving motive of his commands and replace them with legalism. So don’t let yourself feel bad about waiting for your wife because you did it because you care about her well-being. If you’re caring about her well-being then you are doing the exact thing Jesus commands us: love one another. If you’re doing it just to tick off some box that makes you feel holier, then you’re not loving her. And you’re not following God’s command to love.

    But yes, good on you for wanting to revere God and obey him before all else- that is so important. But just don’t forget that what God is commanding you to do is love your wife, not follow some arbitrary rule for the sake of it. I do believe that God commands us to keep the marriage bed pure, and we should do it because God commands us to, but we should remember that God commands us to because he knows what is best for us. Because he wants what is best for us. And we should want what is best for each other. So keep wanting what is best for your wife! That is a beautiful and godly motivation!

    Reply
  95. heatherelisavaughn

    “When we become more focused on the byproduct we’ll receive rather than God Himself, we become selfish. We are more worried about what we can get from God from obeying Him rather than doing it because we love Him.” Love this! My promise is to God first, and this helps me get through sticking with my relationship with my husband when I feel frustrated or angry with him. I focus on my love for God (because of his love for me), and he fills me with the love I need for my husband when the loving feelings don’t come as easy. Thank you Daniel.

    Reply
  96. Anonymous

    Although I agree with the premise, this article falls short on several points. First, all of our lives and decisions should center around our faith in Christ, not just marriage. Second, your spouse is important, otherwise God wouldn’t tell us to be pure for them or not to commit adultery against them–your spouse is why God destests sexual impurity in the first place. Third, contentment, not marriage preparation, should be the focus of the church. Does purity need to be upheld in the church? Yes, but people need to realize that marriage is not a prize or goal to be sought in and of itself. We should be concerned about becoming the right person, not just waiting for the right person. As a 36 year old always single (yes, that means I’ve never had a relationship. Ever. Unless you count Kindergarten), I know that marriage may not be in God’s plan for me, but I’ve learned to become content with who I am and my life. There are also non-religious reasons for abstaining from pre-marital and extra-marital sex, such as disease and unintended pregnancies.

    Reply
  97. Andrew

    Thanks for the article. I’ve been married for 3+ years and have had challenges with this topic. We weren’t perfect but we waited for over 3 years before we got married to have sex. I felt like I was doing God a HUGE favor by not giving into temptation like I had previously with other girlfriends. I was waiting for myself and my fiancé…and maybe God a little. I felt like I would have this incredible sex life that I couldn’t even imagine once we got married. I was wrong. Although I have a great marriage and absolutely love my wife, this is actually an area of struggle for us. I’ve had multiple conversations in small groups, read books, and prayed for improvements in this area of our marriage. I honestly never thought of the “sacrifice” I made as something I was doing for my relationship with God, not my wife or myself. God wants us to persue him first, above all things, and we will be rewarded on this earth and in heaven. The truth is that I will never be completely satisfied in this area…I just need to divert my focus to my faith in Jesus and the things that I truly need. God will handle the rest…and my life will be greater than I could ever imagine.

    Reply
  98. Luke

    Firstly, I really hated the title of this, but hey, I guess the more controversial the title the more views, but hey moving on. …As a 22yr old guy, brought up in a Christian family, I’ve seen the various decisions my older and younger siblings have taken with there relationship. I’ve seen the consequences and the joy that each of them brought to their own life through there actions, and as such I always wanted to wait for my girl too. As I believed I was primarily doing it for “Her”, irrespective of if she had waited for me or not, I wanted to show her with something other than my words, that she was, and is worth something special, and contrary to some girls opinions we guys wait too. (I’m not one for double standards) I went abroad and I finally met the woman of my dreams(my first girlfriend I will add), and have know her for going 3 years now. We decided to get engaged and do things “right before God” but in my mind I was doing it for “Her” as I struggled to think more outside the conventional box of “You’ll have a great future relationship “Which I call (BS) cause Sex is just a part of marriage, unless there’s mutual respect and serious commitment, basing your relationship on just one aspect of your shared lives wont hold it up against the surge of marriages collapsing in today’s society. (Anyhow, getting back to the point) This article along with the reply to the upsetting “I waited till I was married to lose my virginity, and wish I hadn’t” article have helped reset my thinking, This should be firstly be about my relationship between my Creator and me, then secondly seeing at as something I have for my future wife (who I’ve got to add, is the worlds most Amazing Fiancée) She has thoroughly blessed me by being my best friend, and the funniest person to explore life with, and in the so distant future,will become my darling wife, and travelling buddy!

    Reply
  99. Taylor

    This post is great, don’t get me wrong. But I’m a Christian female who has been struggling with confusion and doubt in her faith. I am still a virgin but I still do “everything else.” I think this notion of “going too far” or “crossing the line” is stupid. Isn’t it all sexual impurity? So then it makes me feel stupid for always stopping at the “sex line.” As weird as it sounds, I wonder if I should just go all the way since I’m already being sexually impure. I’ve also heard some historical information on the context surrounding premarital sex and how that scripture pertained to the age of girls getting married (bc they were like 13) and also having something to do about not yet having their period. I don’t know much about the historical context but want to learn more. Also, folks back in the bible days didn’t have some huge ceremony or honeymoon date that gave them permission to finally have sex, so why do we do that now?

    Reply
    1. Savannah Lewie

      Hey Taylor. I applaud you for being so real and so honest in your post. You are so correct about the notions of “crossing the line” because it’s not like there is some visible line we can see and some alarm that goes off telling us – “Better stop!”. However, don’t feel that just because you have made mistakes means that you should give up entirely. The thing is that when you have sex with someone, in Biblical terms, you are becoming one. You are sharing something special. If you get married someday and have been with many different people, you’re carrying the baggage of those past relationships into your new marriage which can have consequences. There is forgiveness for “doing everything else” and even for having premarital sex. Staying pure, like Daniel said, is so that you don’t hinder your relationship with God and it’s for your own benefit as well – so that you don’t get your heart broken more than it needs to be if the person you’re with is not the one. I have made mistakes and it’s okay to not be perfect, but just ask for forgiveness because God understands that we’re going to be imperfect. Don’t just give up on everything and have sex because you already feel like you’ve made a mistake. His mercies are new every day. I hope I helped you out a little. Stay strong! There is something so much better that God has planned for you than giving in to what the world says is best. I blog on similar things if you would like to hear more about my story.

      Savannah

      Reply
      1. Taylor

        Thanks for replying! My only thing is, I’m n it sure that I really see it as a “mistake.” Maybe that has something to do with how I’m questioning my faith recently? I’m just so confused about a lot. I used to be such a strong Christian but after looking into things I’ve just gotten really frustrated. There are so many contradictions in the bible and things that don’t make sense. And sometimes I feel like the gospel is more about hate than it is love. Saying homosexuality is an abomination when sexuality is a spectrum…just like sexual impurity! You fall in love with someone’s personality and heart..not their physicality. And why would God deny someone romantic love in their lives when other heterosexuals get it? It’s not fair. And isn’t God supposed to be a just God? Don’t get me wrong, I’m playing devils advocate but im just so frustrated. I wish things were clear to me. And I relaize faith is about believe the unseen, but that’s to an extent.

        Reply
    2. jessicoa

      Taylor, I have been in your shoes and I chose to cross that line and I can tell you, looking back I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had trusted in the lord and knew that even though I didn’t understand the reasoning then that there is a reason. Having met my soul mate and experienced marital relations I wish I would have saved myself for him and him alone. That the amazing connection we experience together was the only thing I have ever experienced when it comes to sex. Messing around and sex my seem like they are no different but they are. There is a completely different connection. All my other experiences with other men besides my husband now seem like a waste. Like I gave my body to unworthy people. It’s not worth crossing the line. It is something that cannot be undone and is much more than just the messing around stuff. I wish I could connect with you in another way that was not so public. Please feel free to contact me! I would love to help you in anyway I can! <3

      Reply
      1. jessicoa

        Also if you feel the faith you are involved in is more about hate than love Maybe you should look into other Christian faiths. I used to feel the same way! That it was teaching hate and obedience because of fear until I was exposed to another Christian faith.

        Reply
  100. Ron

    As a pastor of more than 20 years, I can tell you that you totally missed the point on this one. When God has asked you to do anything (abstain from sex before marriage, stay married, attend church, tithe, love your enemies, etc.), He doesn’t care why you do it. He just cares that you do it. “You are my friend if you do what I command.” – John 15:14. It’s called obedience. I have 5 kids. All I care about is that they obey me. I could care less what their reasons are for doing it. God is no different. When He says that He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), He doesn’t care why you stayed married, JUST DO IT! Obey!

    Reply
    1. Wanjiku

      i dont think God is looking for blind obedience. I think our motives are very important. If you’re not doing the right thing out of reverence and an honest willingness to connect with God..then its pretty much in vain. If for you to feel good about yourself. “Well i did that so I should be in the clear as far as God is concerned!” Thats not how it works and thats NOT what God wants.

      Reply
      1. Anonymous

        Wanjiku-you are absolutely correct! Ron-as a pastor for more than 20 years, you may want to study a bit more. God can see what’s in our heart, and that’s what’s important to him. An example; Two young men are doing yardwork for a widow. From the outside they are both working hard and really are helping her, but the first is thinking, “I hope people see how good and righteous I am. Here I am helping this widow and not even asking for payment or anything.” The second is thinking, “I wonder if there are any other projects she could use help with while I’m here. I have some time, and I’d really like to make sure her house is ready for the coming winter.” Which one do you think God is going to bless?

        Reply
      2. Ron

        Actually, blind obedience is EXACTLY what God wants. He wanted it from Abraham even though he didn’t know God was taking him. He wanted it from the disciples in midst of the storm when the only word He said to them was, “come”. Scripture says only one thing pleases God, faithfulness (Hebrews 11:6). It doesn’t say to. It doesn’t say you have reasons for your faith, just do it!

        Reply
    2. heatherelisavaughn

      My heart breaks reading your response Ron. It seems you have missed the most important thing of which everything else flows. All throughout scripture Old and New Testaments, the whole point is God’s love relationship with his people. God says he doesn’t want our sacrifice when our hearts are far from him. He cares about our hearts, not our obedience. Because our obedience without a heart of love for him and others is in vain. Our obedience comes out of our love for him. And our love for him come out of understanding his love for us. I am a missionary and married to a pastor. I have 4 children. I pray with all my heart they will live by the greatest commandment, as I strive to live my life by Jesus’ words in Matthew 22: 27-40. Jesus replied: “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” It is all by God’s grace, otherwise we will depend on our sense of righteousness, which is only filthy rags. I pray God will enlighten your heart to see how much he loves you, and that you will pursue a loving relationship with him and others, including your family. He does care why we obey, he cares deeply. Jesus wants a love relationship with you Ron, he wants to capture your heart. He wants you to depend on his work on the cross not on your own obedience. He takes our warped attempt at obedience and makes it perfect through the blood of Jesus. We can’t even obey on our own.

      Reply
      1. Ron

        First of all, I have my masters degree in practical ministries, so I have studied longer than you have been alive. Secondly, it saddens me that so many think they have to have a reason to do something. If God says something, I believe it, and that settles it. Sometimes as a parent I know what is best for my children and need them to obey without having to give him a reason. Scripture says to seek wise counsel. I pray you do just that. Seek out a pastor and let him share with you about the importance of obedience.

        Reply
  101. Anonymous

    My husband and I waited (bc we wanted to be obedient to God and honor Him first!) I can tell you from experience – It’s SOOO worth the wait! We have been married over 16 years now and it just gets better …keep waiting and The Lord will bless your covenant as you honor Him!

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  102. abby

    OMG very good point. I’ve stumbled upon this guilt feeling for awhile now. Growing up in the church . You have judgemental eyes placed on you. Especially just because I have a daughter now everyone automatically assumes that she is the only reason why me and my husband married. But No we got married because we knew we couldn’t live with out eachother. And two days after our marriage we decided itd be a blessing to have a little family. I’m tired of the hipocrit judgemental point of views. This is one thing people should consider. Please the people of god or your future wife or god himself. The first night me and my husband slept together was the same night we fell in love. Dates with crackers and cheese profile sharing only tells so much. Take the next step when you feel it’s the right time. Because that is the physical bond that can seal the relationship and make it a sold foundation. But that’s only my opinion.

    Reply
  103. scottyallan

    Kindly stop writing these “surprise twist” articles. Not every insight needs a shocking title or a whole paragraph intended to confuse the reader of your meaning. It’s not impressive pretending to be non biblical.

    Reply
  104. Anonymous

    great message. abstinence should definitely be about God’s commandment and our relationship with Him. no other reason will sustain and reward abstinence more than that.

    Reply
  105. Ty

    Thank you for sharing. It is so encouraging to know men are still waiting. It is truly a needle in a haystack. I realized a long time ago that it needed to be more important that my future husband were following the Lord, over the fact that he were pure or not. A sad thought that I’d have to side with which one is more valuable and weighs more heavily in a marriage/lifetime. I currently am taking a year off from dating to focus on my relationship with the Lord and I found this article to go right along with some of the focal points of why I am handing my dating life over to Christ. He must come first. Thank you again for sharing, it is so encouraging 🙂

    Reply
  106. DR

    The only quarrels I have are with the Christians that think saving themselves makes them better people in Christ’s eyes. I have seen many relationships (usually marriages) go bad because they decided not to have sex before marriage. This same thought made them get married long before they were mentally or emotionally ready and made them commit an equally unjust sin by separating/getting divorced. (By the way, there are sins worse than others, but these do not fall in that category). Doing it for the right reason is a great thing. Doing it to personify yourself as a superior Christian is going against everything we are suppose to believe in.

    Reply
  107. Amy Middleton Hebdon

    I was a virgin when I got married; my husband was not. It didn’t matter to me that he wasn’t, and it was not important to him that I was. So I really didn’t wait “for him” so much as I waited because of my value system. It really bothers me when people teach abstinence as if a person is worth less if they’ve had sex (licking the peanut butter off a sandwich, chewed gum, etc). It inappropriately communicates the purpose of chastity. I agree with your conclusion in this article – it is our relationship with God that should drive our decisions.

    Reply
  108. Rebecca

    Thank you for saying this! I had a similar moment where I realized I used my virginity as a point of superiority over others. Like I was a better Christan or something because I was “pure”. I was convicted to my core that I was living religiously and not like Christ. I have pushed the line and I definitely wish I hadn’t, so I still see the beautiful merit in saving myself. But my motivation isn’t for my one day husband, it is for my current relationship with Christ. Jesus loves me even when I slip and I am as much a sinner as any other person! Grace is what makes it all work, not my sanctimonious adhesion rules 🙂

    Reply
  109. Re-Virgin

    Honestly, the purpose of marriage is not “waiting” for a girl to have sex with you. The problem is that people often make it sound like marriage is a legal license for sex, where you can finally release yourself inside a woman.

    If all you can think about is the day you can have sex, you really don’t understand the purpose of marriage.

    Personally, I was a ‘good’ Christian virgin for 27 years, then had a crisis and traumatic experience which led me to having a Rumspringa period of my life. I became a playboy, and had sex with a number of women, after which I met the one I wanted to marry. Then I asked her to wait till marriage, because I wanted to show her I could control myself, rather than her having to worry about my reputation as a playboy.

    To tell you the truth, I had more problems dealing with lust and porn when I was a virgin. After having sex, I didn’t really have those problems anymore. Really, while sex is a fun experience, it really isn’t crazily mind-bendingly life-changing. I tried living out my various fantasies, and after doing everything I wanted to, I still felt lonely…once you enjoy the animal instinct, you realise that all you want is someone to hold after you have sex.

    Basically the problem is that humans glorify sex too much, while for the animals, it’s just a primal instinct, same as pooping, sleeping or eating. Both secular and religious people glorify sex, and talk about it as if it’s either the most amazing thing in the world. It’s not.

    For me, being with someone who loves me for who I am is really what I want, and if I didn’t get to have any more sex till the day I died…it wouldn’t be too big a deal for me.

    Reply
    1. Jessica

      I also didn’t save myself but I feel differently about it. I didn’t think it was a big deal until I married my husband. Neither of us were religious until the last couple of years. Early on in our marriage we both kind of felt like we wished we had only ever had sex with each other. Because sex isn’t just something primal, it can be incredibly spiritual. Spiritual in the sense that you are connecting with each other on a level that deeper than any other connection in daily life. Your souls are connecting. We both also agree that we’d never experienced that before with others because those other relationships didn’t have the incredible love we have between just us but it made all those other experiences seem frivolous. I dunno lol it’s really hard to explain but I hope it will come clearer when it comes time to have the talk with my children

      Reply
  110. Nogreaterjoy

    I think we have to understand the point that the reason premarital sex is a sin is because God knows what it leads to. He doesn’t just pick certain things and declare they are sinful; that’s what a lot of young people think…God doesn’t want them to enjoy things so he calls those things sinful.
    God calls those things that he knows will pull us down and keep us from the life he has called us to…abundant life.
    So yes, you are waiting for your spouse, because you trust that God, in his infinite wisdom, has a better plan.

    Reply
    1. Mick

      (Silly phone didn’t let me finish…)

      I was going to say that when I started reading this, I thought it was going to be another “I grew up in church hearing that if I saved sex for marriage I would have a blessed marriage but I wished I hadn’t save it because I dot have a blessed marriage” or something along those lines. So thank you for an encouraging post and one that I think a lot of people need to hear! In everything we do, the focus should be The Lord and how we can honor Him, praise Him, and bring Him glory. Not about what we get out of it. The blessed sex life or blessed marriages are byproducts of obeying God’s commands.
      So thank you for your encouraging and challenging thoughts!

      ~an encouraged sister in The Lord

      Reply
  111. Emily

    great post! I remained “pure” for a really long time, waiting for my future husband and my intentions were completely to please Him and do as I’ve been told. I fell away from the lord and gave into temptation, and had such awful guilt for such a long time. I work at a Christian Preschool and am surrounded by such judgement Christians here (I’m not at all saying Christians tend to be judgement, just the catty women I work with) anyways I constantly hear things like “me and my boyfriend were living in sin for a long time blah blah blah. What infuriates me is how sex outside of marRage is the worst of all sins, when clearly the bible says in James 2:10 that sin is sin, and no sin is less or greater. Yes, I completely understand its a sin, but please do not sit there and judge me (which is also a sin, Matthew 7:1)
    for the way I choose to love my boyfriend. And that’s exactly what it is, love, I love him so much, so much more then I ever thought I could love someone, so please stop telling me that just because I have no ring to show for it, it’s lust. Not one human soul is pure, and I role my eyes at myself for all the times I’d brag to my peers about how pure I was. Sorry for such a long responds!

    Reply
    1. Jason

      You should probably read the post rather than the headline.

      He is refraining from sex with his girlfriend, but he is not doing it for her, but out of loyalty to God.

      As for your own situation, the sin in Matthew 7:1 is hypocritical judgement, that is judging others for something you yourself do. If you love your boyfriend, put a ring on it. Not because I doubt your love for him, and his for you, but because God’s ideal for a sexual relationship is within the framework of marriage.

      You don’t need anything elaborate. Biblical marriages could be as simple as a declaration of marriage and the couple moving in together. The simpler the better in my view (although that might be a male thing) as people waste a lot of money on the ceremony without planning for the life ahead.

      Reply
    2. Jessica

      Sounds to me like you should surround yourself with better Christians lol this judgmental attitude is what kept me from church as a youth but as I became an adult and found the faith that fits me I found that I felt sadness for those people who actively judged others and put themselves above them instead of being truly Christ like and loving them regardless of their so called mistakes. Your choices are between you and God and nobody else.

      Reply
  112. Opinion Central

    Good post. Nice to see there’s others out there! I see so many ‘Christians’ promoting sex before marriage now. I thought this was what this post was going to be but thank goodness it wasn’t! It’s all about living your life for God, not fulfilling our selfish needs but doing what’s right by God. Good post.

    Reply
  113. Tziona

    That is so powerful. So profound. I know I’m also guilty regarding that. And that can become tiresome sometimes. Thanks for the revelation. Very powerful indeed. One can actually wait joy in the Lord.

    Reply
  114. A married 23 year old dude.

    Awesome post! God really does love us, and if we actually believed that it would be so easy to trust him and not try to figure out all the good things we would get from obeying him and weigh them against the benefits of sin to make our decisions and try to keep ourselves motivated to serve God.

    I thank God for this new generation of young believers that really want to know and trust God. You are a great example of this, and there ought to be millions more like you.

    Reply
  115. Anonymous

    Being an engaged woman and waiting for her wedding night, this post makes it so much easier to explain to my friends and family why we have decided to wait. At first it was because I viewed it as the only thing I can give my spouse that money can’t buy, you can only give it away once. But the closer I became to the Lord the easier it has been for me to see that waiting is all for HIM. Thank you for this post on behalf of Christian girls everywhere who are waiting and think it’s not normal and that guys don’t want to wait. You sir are a living example that some Christian guys want to wait.

    Reply
  116. James

    I hate click-baiting like this. You DID wait for your current spouse. It’s dishonest to make the title sound scandalous when all you’re doing is parsing words. I agree with the premise of your article, but I disagree with your title. Though your motivation to wait was expanded, it still should include consideration of your future spouse.

    Got you the clicks, though, which is what you were after.

    Reply
  117. Ruthie

    Man, this really made me stop and think about what the ring on my left had really symbolizes. My purity is a promise to Jesus first, and my future husband second. I admit, it gets really easy to twist those two around and attempt to intertwine them. Thank you for being authentic in your realization. It certainly brought some light to my eyes and heart.

    Reply
  118. Haley

    This really struck a chord with me. I have found myself striving for this goal because of what I will get out of it, rather than what the Lord is going to craft out of it. So convicting and eye-opening, thank you for posting.

    Reply
  119. Cal

    I’m not waiting for a spouse. Nor do I need salvation through a being who’s based on Osiris, Dionysus, or Mithras. Only you can bring peace and “salvation” for yourself, complete yourself.

    Reply
    1. Jason

      Someone ignorant enough to believe nonsense like Zeitgeist and the Christ myth, needs salvation from the sin of being a complete moron. Get some help.

      Your knowledge of pre-Christian religions doesn’t even rise to the level of Wikipedia.

      Reply
  120. Another abstainer

    I think you make a good argument. However, one thing I think citing a lower divorce rate overlooks a confounding variable. People who abstain for religious reasons are also more likely not to divorce for similar religious reasons. Thus, abstaining itself doesn’t lead to a better marriage. Staying with your faith leads to a better marriage.

    Reply
    1. danielwildeblog

      Yes, definitely something I was skeptical of. But looking at various studies, a lot controlled for that variable to create an unbiased statistic. But certainly, could still play a role. And faith continues to lead to an even better marriage as well. thanks for the comment!

      Reply
    2. me

      Actually I have a cousin who saved herself. Not for religious reasons and she is the only one in my family that hasn’t split up with her mate. Even those of us who grew up in Church mess up and get involved with the wrong person. I think her waiting and not having others to compair to is the exact reason they are still together. For sure one of the reasons me and my husband have so many issues.

      Reply
    3. Sam

      Just a random fact, but statistically only 1/5 devoted religious people (successfully) wait until marriage. Of course that doesn’t include the many with a rough past who fix things up. But although it might affect the divorce rates, it doesn’t at a very high number.

      Reply
  121. James

    This guy like many others is trying to use God to justify sin……..I understand the need to have a good realationship with God but sin is sin…..quit the fluff

    Reply
    1. Anonymous

      James, I agree with you. No sin is greater then any other, so how is abstaining from sex until marriage going to better your relationship with God unless you never lie, cheat, steal, lust, or break any of the other laws? And yes, I read the entire post.

      Reply
      1. Just another sinner

        In the eyes of the lord, no sin is greater than one another. This is to mean that we are all sinners and no one mans sin is worse than anothers and that we are all wrestling through this life together. As for how each of these sins affects our relationship with God is another story. I believe that any step you can take in the right direction is a good step and can better your relationship with God

        Reply
      2. Anonymous

        Just because the Lord doesn’t see your sins any greater doesnt mean you wont naturally feel more shame and guilt if you have sex before marriage. You will never feel as guilty for telling a white lie. You will naturally seperate yourself from God for sins with greater reprocutions even if you are or are not caught.

        Reply
      3. Jessica

        That’s like saying “I sinned so instead of repenting and asking for forgiveness I will just sin as much as possible since I’ve already sinned once.” I don’t understand your reasoning. I can speak from experience when I say that lying or stealing are not comparable to premarital sex. It is an experience that you can’t undo or experience again. So not only should you do it for you and your future spouse but you should do it because it is asked of you. I believe his entire post was saying just that, that he shouldn’t have been seeking praise or validation from his girlfriend for having waited but he should have turned to God and asked for that praise and validation.

        Reply
    2. Sam

      He isn’t supporting not waiting till marriage. He’s supporting making God the reason you’re waiting instead of your future spouse.

      Reply
    3. Anonymous

      I did read the whole post, and I agree with you what I got was:

      “When I was driven to impress my future wife and set myself up in the future, I couldn’t do it because she did not give me validation. When I understood the true nature of abstinence until marriage, I didn’t care.”

      It just seems like since the author did not get the reaction he was looking for from a female, it changed his whole outlook, which is great. But, fully understanding the reasoning behind why you shouldn’t sin doesn’t mean you give up trying, especially when the reason is to respect your God. By realizing that you’re doing it for him, shouldn’t that make you want to try harder and not sin.

      While people make mistakes and things do happen, I feel like this rational just makes this worse. Especially bragging about continually committing said sin.

      Reply
      1. Jessica

        He didn’t give up trying, he just realized his reasons for abstaining were misplaced. No where in his post does he say that he didn’t abstain or does he brag about having sex.

        Reply
  122. Michelle

    I really appreciate this. I messed up and didn’t wait. And it has taken me quite a bit to figure this part out. And going back isn’t quite as easy an never going there in the first place. So I applaud your God given insight to this, I applaud your courage to bring this to light. I really think this view needs to be paraded in front of christian teens. They need to understand it is ALWAYS more about your relationship with God than anyone else that gets hurt when we don’t obey Him.

    Reply
  123. Nobody

    Stumbled upon this on a Facebook share- man you got it right. So glad I got the opportunity to read this. Thanks for being transparent.

    #Blessed

    Reply
  124. Nick

    Excellent post!! Something that is often forgotten in the church. Sin is first against the God of the Universe. Keep offering insight like this!

    Reply

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