This week at the end of a church service, I watched as several men and women gave their testimonies and got baptized. It was unsettling how many of the women’s testimonies included some sort of wound stemming from a past boyfriend or a guy at some party. Many of them having been raped, manipulated or talked into doing something that they didn’t want to do.
We seem to live in a culture where your (a man’s) validation, bragging rights and sense of worth come from how far you can go with a girl, or how many girls you can sleep with. Virginity is talked about like a disease that you should shake off as soon as you possibly can. Then you can go brag to your insecure buddies about how much of a man you are. For a moment, you feel a fake form of validation and win the approval of your peers.
All of this without any regard to how the girl is feeling or what she is wanting. It doesn’t matter how she feels, as long as you can try and fill your void. You can selfishly use and manipulate her all you want. Why do you think a girl will text you the next morning? She longs for relationship and to be loved and respected. I’ve said before that I don’t know many girls who grow up dreaming about her first one night stand.
Or maybe you validate your actions because “she didn’t try to stop me” or “she didn’t say no” or “she wanted it”. I hate to break it to you and deflate your ego, but I would bet good money that a majority of the girls you brag about didn’t want it. Or maybe they think they did because they don’t believe they deserve any better, so they try to suppress the feeling that there’s more out there. There may be some girls who read this and disagree, and that is sad because they deserve a whole lot better than what they’re settling for.
I don’t want to start an argument about men being superior to women or vice versa, but I do think it is a whole lot harder for a girl to tell a man to stop than a man to tell a girl to stop. That is why it is hard for us as men to understand this concept. “Why didn’t she just tell him to stop?” “Why didn’t she just say no and leave?” It breaks my heart that some girls don’t have the ability and courage to stand up for themselves, their morals, or their future marriage. I wish more would. But I think there is a bigger problem and a better solution.
Instead of asking girls to stand up for themselves better and be able to say “no” or “stop”, how about men stop preying on women and instead start protecting their heart and boundaries? How about we stop putting our selfish needs and search for validation over the needs and desires of women? What if, instead of seeing how far we can get a girl to go with us, we are the one that sets the tone for physical boundaries. I know you’re just doing what you’re taught, but how about we stop and think about the wound this may cause for her. In an effort to build up our own self-esteem, without realizing it we diminish hers. Now maybe she never thinks she will be accepted by her husband so she continues a cycle of searching for love and security in whatever attention a guy will give her.
I don’t want to condemn you, because I have had bad boundaries with girls before too. But I do want to challenge you and tell that there is another way. Despite what society tells you, there are other places to find validation. You can find genuine fulfillment and stop seeking it in the wrong places. You don’t have to keep believing the lies that you’re told and taught. It’s hard to do this in a society that throws sex and half-naked women at you. But God can redeem your actions and mindset to honor Him and women alike. Sex is a great thing that God created, but outside of marriage it can get skewed and become hurtful. Next time you go out to try and find your next booty call why don’t you stop and think about her? That innocent hook up may not be so innocent after all.
Lets stop trying to fill our insecurities at the expense of a woman’s heart. Lets stop preying on women and instead lets start protecting them.
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photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/bourguiboeuf/6209092026/